This is probably one of the hardest things I have ever posted on Instagram.
Gaining weight is cool.
Gaining weight is HARD.
Gaining weight is worth it.
Earlier this year, I woke up one morning from a nightmare that I had been diagnosed with anorexia. I woke up scared as hell, and yet went on convincing myself that everything was fine. I was fine. I was healthy. I went to the doctor, and they didn't say anything about my weight, even though I weighed less than I had since my freshman or sophomore year of high school.
At this point in time, I was massively under-eating and over-exercising. It's a very real and very easy mindset to get caught in. Sucked in. Stuck in. No, I wasn't technically anorexic, but I sure wasn't headed down a healthy path.
I told myself it was okay because I wasn't using a calorie tracker. And yet, I kept a highly detailed mental tab on my meals, carefully calculating what I was eating. TONS of protein. Some days I only ate 1200-1300 cals, and thought that was something to be proud of. How determined and hard working I was, I thought. Working out as hard as I could. Disappointed if I didn't get over 10k steps on my watch each day. Obsessively checking how many calories my watch (arbitrarily) said I had burned.
If you are obsessed, you are not okay.
Accepting the fact that I was not healthy and coming to terms with what I was doing to my body has been the biggest struggle. When everyone comments on your "🔥 abs," it doesn't feel wrong. But when you think about what you forced yourself through to get there...it's a feeling of shame. Sadness. Regret.
It is okay to accept that you need to change. That you have to correct everything you thought about your beauty, your worth, your health. It's scary to accept that you've been harming yourself, because that makes it true. Acknowledging it makes it real. But acknowledging it leads to healing, happiness, REAL health.
Having fat does not make you fat. You were not meant to be the smallest you can be. You are meant to take up space, BE HERE, and enjoy your life, not waste it away with trivial thinks like calories and weight. You were made for MORE. ❤️