I’ve always been terrified by opening up on my social media platforms as people I know from real life follow these. I’m really quite uncomfortable with letting those I know personally be informed on my mental health. But, perhaps to help me move forward, I need to. The last few months since I have graduated from high school have been hell for me. My eating disorder, ocd, anxiety and depression is at an all time low. Yes, I have all those. I had to stop all means of medication because I was getting dizzy and fainting. I can’t tell you how hard it has been since getting off those. I wake up sad and go to sleep sad. I haven’t been happy for weeks. I miss being happy. I miss being able to eat whatever without crying after in fear of being fat. I miss not feeling the need to weigh myself at least five times a day to make sure I haven’t gained any weight. And when I gain just a kilo, I have a mental breakdown. I shake, cry and lock myself in a room for a day or more. I’m terrified of being fat. I’m terrified of food, in fact, I hate food. I still eat, but it hurts every time. I wish I was normal and ate with ease. I wish food wasn’t the only thing I thought of all day every day. It’s a night mare. I wish I didn’t have ocd over small things like my hair. I wish I didn’t hide myself from the world and feel hideous when my hair didn’t simply sit right. I wish my anxiety would stop me from caring about what people think about me. I wish it would let me make friends and talk to people with ease. I wish I was normal. I wish that my mental health was well. But reality is, it’s not. Reality is, despite my friends knowing and family, I have suicidal thoughts and have planned my own death numerous of times. Truth is, I wish I was dead most of the time. And truth is, I hate that.