I dug up these old pre-T pictures because finally, I can see a huge change between the old me and the real me. It's unbelievable. In the first picture from 3 years ago, I remember my picture being taken and not knowing what to do with my awkward, wrong body because I felt dysphoria so strong I almost knew what it was.
One thing I didn't realize would happen on T was my chest shrinking on T. It really did, and I also now have a good binder that is the right size. I'm only 2 months away from top surgery, and 3 months away from one year on T.
Something I haven't really talked about with anyone is how much weight I've lost in the past 5 years. It wasn't really about numbers on the scale, that eventually stayed the same as I put on muscle and lost fat. I suffered from body dysmorphia along with and probably exacerbated by dysphoria for a long time. I thought I was much larger than I actually was. Some of the fat loss unfortunately came from being food insecure most of this year, and I'm going to be honest and add a disclaimer, that wasn't healthy. But the muscle gain was just finding a groove that works for me in meal planning and exercise. I've figured out what works best right now in this moment and to see the results visually is stunning to me.
I had always hated the shape of my eyes, especially when people would tell me how big and pretty and feminine they were. I also hated it when my short haircut was praised because "I had the face for it." The shape of my eyes changed on T, thank goodness. It feels really good to know that my face and my eyes match my gender identity. I also have visible stubble now and am hopeful for a full beard in the next six months.
I'm so proud of myself. I never thought I'd make it this far, and nearly every day I find new things about my body to appreciate. I'm getting changes that I never even dreamed could happen; I look masculine in a way I never thought possible. I know that T isn't a magic drug that fixes everything but truly, I am happy with 100% of the changes. Here's to 10 months.