it's 5AM here, i can't sleep, and i'm going to vent about my bpd and cptsd because i see some really honest and brave posts from fellow sufferers and i want to contribute.
an ugly part of bpd and cptsd recovery that i wasn't prepared for is realising and slowly accepting the existing dual between my idealised self and my unwell self- and the damage this has caused.
i knew how to utilise my funny side, my creative side, my intellectual side, my loving side, my cheeky side (etc) to get what i wanted, all the while trying to suppress and deny the burning torment going on underneath. i always studied people i was emotionally attached to, to figure out what would make them love me or leave me, and i accommodated accordingly until i burst under pressure. again, this used to be unconscious. for instance, you're blunt? same. i get it. (you won't see the hurt i feel inside when you're blunt towards me and how it tortures me.) you love this celebrity? same, (but i won't tell you that my stomach drops when you say how hot they are and how i study their face with envy) you're gentle and sweet? same! (but... i also have extreme rage and hatred), and the list goes on. it's very alienating. i feel like the point is to work on detecting and communicating my true emotions better, but the reason i'm like this is because i was traumatically programmed to suppress and deny my emotions as a child, and if i bare all now, it puts me in a very vulnerable position to be exploited, abused or abandoned (which has happened multiple times in varying degrees). and then... that's where my CPTSD kicks in and tells me to throw those masks back on ASAP. "don't let them see", my voice tells me. who? "well, everyone."