Medical transition is weird.
Personally speaking, here's some thoughts about it.
What medical transition isn't:
-a quick dysphoria fix.
-precisely exactly all you need to heal.
-inherently gender non-conforming.
What medical transition is:
-a way to further align yourself with and name the experiences you've had.
-a way to see if maybe you like one mental state over another.
-not necessarily the beginning of your transition, nor necessarily the most important part.
Myself prior to medical transition is a part of me and my history. I don't tend to shy away from it. I was out as some variant of genderqueer, non-binary, and trans years prior to medically transitioning. I think I started coming out to myself and others in 2012. I wouldn't start HRT until 2016. I have a lot of regrets about that. Maybe I owe it to myself and others to talk about it, to process it.
I was hiding behind my dysphoria for so long. I still have it, but instead I'm dragging it along with me, chastising it when it needs it, holding it at other times, pulling it into the light, and helping it get over its shit.
In a lot of ways, popular discourses about dysphoria, transness, and transitioning (medical and otherwise) failed me. I was taught I didn't need X or Y thing to be validly trans, that I could just be myself, and that we live in a cissexist society and if we didn't live in that society I wouldn't have all the issues I was having, and that it was up to me to challenge and push back on those cissexist lessons we've all been taught and accept myself as is because I don't ~need~ anything to be trans.
And in a lot of ways, whether I theoretically believe those things still, they acted as a sort of anchor, weighting me down and holding me back, nearly drowning in my sense that something was profoundly wrong with the way I was trying to move through the world.