(Day 119: Personality)
Feeling super nostalgic tonight since Charlie turns 10 months old tomorrow! 😭❤ She is so full of expression, I just absolutely love how she's really communicating now. I feel like I really KNOW her now, even though I'm still learning more about her every day as her personality emerges. In the beginning I had all these expectations about what she'd be like and then when she was born I went through some major baby blues. It's something that people dont talk about much. You know you love your baby but there's all this pressure for motherhood to instantly live up to the expectations you had throughout pregnancy. There were so many times in the first few weeks when I'd look at Mike and say, "This isn't what I thought it would be like... I'm not happy." It was such a massive earthquake of a change in my life that I wasn't fully prepared for, no matter how much I thought I was. My emergency c-section, her traumatic E.R. stay at 3 days old, the sleep deprivation, the nursing & cluster-feeding, the gigantic hormonal shift, the fact that all she did was sleep, nurse, and soil her diaper. But then she started smiling and everything changed. I finally felt connected with her. Mike went back to work and it was just her and me. We had no choice but to become a team. The nursing got easier. We started co-sleeping which only increased our bond. She started making eye contact and melting my heart one moment at a time.
Now, 10 months later, she is the most perfect little human I ever could've dreamed of bringing into this world. She absolutely lights up my life. I look back on everything I felt in those first few weeks and wish I could give that version of myself a glimmer of what Charlie would be like in 3 months. In 6 months. In 10 months. I would have saved myself a lot of tears, shame, and guilt, had I known then what an amazing person my daughter would become in such a short amount of time. I never could have explained how much I'd love her and the feeling I get when she reciprocates that love. She is full of life and humor and spunk. Watching her grow is my own personal utopia.