I used to look at myself in the mirror everyday in disgust. I did not believe I was beautiful. I thought I was broken and could never be fixed. When I looked at my reflection, my voice of judgement kept me broken. My self judgement was relentless. I thought I was a disgusting, overweight, failure of a woman and that nobody would ever look at me with love in their eyes. Wow.
So why am I telling you this? I’m telling you because the ease in which I judged myself was almost as natural and systematic as brushing my hair, or making lunch. I know there are MANY others out there that do the same thing. So listen to me—there is a way out. It is possible to LOVE yourself. It is possible to stop the cycle of self abuse. So keep reading... It takes time and effort to break a pattern in our lives. And that’s what that self judging, or victimizing voice is... a pattern. My habit of self loathing had been practiced for years, therefore, I understood that it would take time to make change.
Growing up I didn’t pay attention to the habits in my life that didn’t serve me. So that is what I started to do. Pay attention. I practiced the skill of awareness until I could hear the voice of judgement. At first, there was no stopping it. I just observed the self punishment. But then one day, I had the ability to say NO! “No Elisa... you are not a disgusting pig”. However, I still did not believe myself to be beautiful, so I was unable to replace the insult with a compliment. But I was able to stop it. And that’s a victory in my books.
With awareness, I was able to rewrite the script in my mind. And to this day, I continue to rewrite it. I am learning how to BE in love with who I am. I am creating new habits of self love and compassion. Now, I look at myself in the mirror and see a confident, strong, caring and talented woman. I hold space for myself to reflect on how this feels and I am full of appreciation for my body. Now, I’m smiling back at my reflection with love in my eyes. This is my greatest accomplishment.
I’m sharing my new found practices in a 5-Day Awareness Challenge starting January 1st. It’s free and sign up is coming soon! Stay tuned!