Indiana was born on Christmas Day 2017, by emergency c section after discovering she was breech once labour had started. It was to dangerous to deliver naturally. She screamed her way into this big wide world 2 weeks early & we didn’t get to spend Christmas with Arabella. I’m a control freak & after having Arabella naturally, with no pain relief, this is not the birth I wanted & certainly not on Christmas Day.
She was soft, pink, beautiful & healthy, she latched on well, she was so precious and I wanted to protect her instantly but I did not feel connected in the same way I had when Arabella was born. She didn’t feel like she belonged to me. I instantly knew something wasn’t right.
Recovering from a section was completely different from a vaginal birth. The pain was excruciating for the first few days. Getting in and out of bed was a slow and painful process. Every inch I moved felt like my stomach was going to rip back open. Breastfeeding was so hard as my uterus contracted & it felt like I was in labour every time she fed. I found it so hard having my husband do everything for me, I felt useless and lazy and not like a Mum. I couldn’t even pick Arabella up and give her a cuddle when she came home for the first time to meet her baby sister. That was such an emotional day, I just wanted to hold her and squeeze her, but I couldn’t and explaining to a 16 month old she couldn’t climb on Mama cos she had a poorly tummy was heart wrenching, especially when I knew she needed me so much at that time. The guilt started there. My baby girl looked like a giant. She was so grown up. It really upset me.