So...I've been doing me a think lately. And that think has a whole lot to do with gender so if you're not interested you don't have to read this.
I haven't vocalised this to anyone, just been turning it over in my head for a while, and it's the kind of personal that feels too intimate to talk to individual people about, but I still want to get it off my mind and screaming into the void of an Instagram post seems adequate.
I've been interested in androgyny for a long time. As a kid I always loved the tomboyish female characters in the cartoons I watched. If you've known me for any length of time, you'll know I've been shopping in the mens section for years. I didn't even wear a school skirt until I was 15. But, being a chubby little 5'2 cis girl I never thought I'd ever have the right "look" to pull it off.
I'm not sure what triggered it- maybe it was pride month, maybe it was just coincidental- but in the last month or so I've been feeling a sort of...discordance with my femininity. If you've been paying attention to my story, you'll know I've been experimenting with makeup, drawing my brows darker and thicker and contouring and wearing my binder because I liked not having boobs for a while. I get pissed off at work when customers call me "love" or "sweetheart" or "darling" because it just doesn't feel right. I've even been considering cutting all my hair off, although that is a very tenuous thought that requires a lot more consideration.
So I think I'm erring closer and closer to the idea of being gender queer. I'm hesitant to admit this, particularly because my family doesn't believe in the concept of being between genders or being both genders at once. And I'm not saying I'm trans, because I'm not. I just like the idea of being a boy sometimes.
Like I said, I just wanted to get this off my chest. I'm still Bekkii, you can still refer to me as she/her (but I'm definitely not opposed to they/them). This might be a phase, who knows. For now though, I'm happy to experiment, and I just wanted to keep you all updated. ✨