Lately, I feel as though the greatest battle that I face in this life is between the parts of me that want to be healed and the parts that are completely content and comfortable remaining broken.
This recognition blasted its way to the forefront recently after listening to Iyanla Vanzant speak about trust and learning how to trust yourself.
I always thought I was a trusting person. That was, until several years ago when I became aware. I realized that I told little white lies, agreed with people when I really didn’t, I would straight up lie to cover my ass and ultimately I wasn’t true to my word, or taking responsibility for it. So how could I possibly trust others, when I myself wasn’t trustworthy?
So I started to learn how to be true to my word. Meaning, I would only say things that I believed to be true. I only committed to things I knew I could commit too. And in times of emotional crisis, I started to take a deep breath before saying something that I didn’t mean.
Do I do this 100% of the time? Hells no!!! Ha! But it’s a long, beautiful road to travel down. I recognize that my default setting is to feel unworthy and tell myself over and over that I’m never going to be good enough. During these times, I am NOT being true to my word, because this is not what I believe any longer. This default was engrained in me as a child, by a parent that learned those same values when he was a child. It was passed down to me subconsciously and is the base of all that is broken in my soul.
This place of unworthiness is my comfort zone. It’s the darkness that motivates my decisions for positive change AND pulls me back into self doubt. Do I want to heal this? Yes! But I’m afraid to leave the comfort of my own thought process and change the default.
However, learning to trust myself little by little has helped me to heal my broken foundation. Most importantly, I no longer believe in the words and actions of the parent who taught me this way of thinking. So my next question is, why do I keep acting like I do?