I was going through old photos because I was making a book for Eli’s upcoming Tonsils and Adenoids surgery (to help him understand what will happen) and came across this picture I snapped about 10 minutes before they took him back for his open heart surgery. Seeing this picture brings back a flood of memories, but mostly the feeling that I was completely out of control, I had no choice but to hand him over to the surgeons so they could repair his tiny broken heart. He was already in heart failure. It was life or death.
But facing an elective surgery seems more daunting to me. I think it’s because I’m choosing it. I had zero choice with his heart surgery - it absolutely had to happen. This though, I have a choice.
Yes, he has sleep apnea, but he rarely wakes up in the night because of it. He is really healthy and to be honest, the only reason we are going to go through with the T&A is because I’m hoping that his big tonsils are what’s causing his feeding issues.
For the last couple of days I just couldn’t shake the feeling that I should cancel his surgery. I’m trying really hard to conquer my fears. I grew up in a home controlled by fear and that’s the last way I want to live. I reached out to my local mom crew thinking they would all say I’m crazy and to go ahead with the surgery, but they all said to reschedule the surgery for after flu season. I’m so thankful for mamas who’ve walked this road before me, who understand all the things going through my head and heart, they just get it. So for now, Eli’s surgery is on hold and I can sleep again 🙃