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sapogonia

Monday night laundromat sunset planning ritual while in the ritual of folding, folding, fold the soul back into the body. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #nepantla #naguala #motherhoodrising #countryqueers #radicalwomenco #mentalhealthawareness

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sapogonia

Nice for what? Summer of jams, summer of sun, summer of goals, summer of dreams, summer of hustle, summer of sweat, summer of rest, summer of love, summer of liberation, summer of freedom, summer of desire, summer of stories, summer of ritual, summer of familia, summer of joy, summer of balance, summer of contradiction, summer of vulnerability, summer of balance, summer of dance, summer of beaches, summer of mountains, summer of viajes, summer of curiosity, summer of remembering, summer of writing, summer of making pictures, summer of self, coming home to self, coming home, coming home. Welcome. Reigning in the petty and keepin’ it moving. Join me. . . . #elverano #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #nepantla #niceforwhat #motherhoodrising #countryqueers #shenandoahvalley #radicalwomenco #mentalhealthawareness

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sapogonia

Started a little brujx/witchy sharing thread over on WhatsApp. DM me if you’d like an invite. Low key, no stakes, low ego, no pressure, skill and knowledge sharing space. Altars, ritual, plants, astrology, tarot, the sky is the limit with an eye towards not appropriating shit, sharing resources and learning and supporting one another in this nonsensical reality we live in right now - and no we are not politically idle or neutral. Liberation based, trauma minded magic 🌕 image from @gottesss many moons workbook . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote

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sapogonia

Pulled this card this morning, a reflection of a decade of desire ready to move from the plane of the subconscious to this material world. Listening to every sign, every dream symbol, every card, every animal spirit that has crossed my path this month. Small reminders and big reminders that the universe is conspiring in my favor, I just need to keep doing the work. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #coatlicue #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising #verano #slowhollertarot #mentalhealthawareness

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sapogonia

Started the #summersolstice weekend with the blessing of chosen family, a magical summer rain and ritual, and a deep unearthing of the foundation that remains when everything at the surface crumbles away. Feeling open to both strength and vulnerability, to both planning and spontaneity, to both goals and surprises. Cultivating fortitude amidst the deep spiritual, cultural, social, and political crises we are swimming in at this moment is imperative and not easy. As I feel joy and excitement creeping back into the crevices of my spirit for the journey ahead, I’m holding the contradiction of the call to show up for our people where and when we can. I am exploring, experimenting, and practicing balance and boundaries. I know I’m not alone in that quandary and grateful to each of you that have shared with me your own trials and tribulations the past few weeks. I believe in me and I believe in us. Solstice blessings to you all 🙏🏽 . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #coatlicue #verano #organize #movementbuilding #mentalhhealthawareness #traumaresilience #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising #countryqueers #scenesfromsunday #freeourfutures #abolishice #nomoreprisons #slowhollertarot

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Back yard kiddie pool lemonade and grilling in the blistering sun season is upon us. Looking towards the solstice with every bit of pride and joy for making it to this exact moment of gratitude. I am here. I am strong. I trust myself. Words I’ve fought so damn hard to say and believe. Thank you village, thank you 🙏🏽. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elverano #elcenote #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #countryqueers #mentalhealthawareness

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krzymorg

This trip was so needed and appreciated! Much needed rest and relaxation with Margaritas always on deck was the perfect way to start the summer! What's Next #PlayaDelCarmen #TheRoyalPDC #Mexico #Vacation #FunTimes #Love #Summer #Lemon #Tulum #ElCenote #Excursion #WhatsNext

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_johannahill_

Tbt in a magic place 💦

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sapogonia

Healing comes in all shapes and sizes and is right in front of us if we stop, be still, and look. Yesterday was tough physically, spiritually, emotionally and every challenge mirrored most of this past year. Finally, I just surrendered and let it be OK to not be OK. I let it all out relying on the truth that at my core there is agency and power and gentleness and a deep appreciation and love for this journey that is mine. I felt a sense of calm overtake me and a sureness that the story of that journey is allowed to evolve. I am allowed to evolve. I am no one’s story but my own. Now I’ve made it to Frome, belly full, heart full, words pouring forth, and so I begin again marking the start of this crossing over, noting this midpoint of the year and the coming solstice. Upon this space to reflect, I’m somehow surprised to find that every commitment I made to myself for this #yearofeternalspring is in motion. This is a practice of patience and abundance not urgency nor scarcity. Everything is open wide and I am ready. Maybe I have been ready all along, poco a poco, I’m coming home. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #somerset #frome #UK #motherhoodrising #cornerhousefrome #radicalwomenco #pocoapoco #mentalhealthawareness

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sapogonia

Stuck in Dublin for yet to be determined amount of time. Do you think the universe is just trying to test my stamina and resiliency these past few weeks? Pulling it out of the deepest wells y’all, because I am stubborn and determined as the best of them and lord knows I’ve seen worse. Grateful to the ancestors and compxs who’ve been pulling out all the stops. #notmyfinaldestination . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #motherhoodrising #dublin #countryqueers #radicalwomenco

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sapogonia

I didn’t burn it or put it in a box. I couldn’t. I built an altar, a homage to love and all the things that it gifted me. A homage to a sacred vessel that was familia and to a place that I had come to think of as home. There is no room for bitterness here. There’s only room to grow that with which we were blessed to live, to pass it on. What an honor to have such an experience, to meet another soul in both the light and the dark, to ride the waves of this thing called life, for but a moment in time on the watch of the universe. . I place the unsent letter here: making magic, making alchemy, making life. . “Below the full moon: humid breeze, magical coves, secret scrubs… And the unicorn in the heightened wild scrubland, ready to flee, alert and tense.” . Here I meditated, prayed, held space, gave thanks this week. Is this grief? . Time, I whisper. It is everything and nothing. We crossed aeons to get to one another. And now? We let a mere ocean get in the way. . Oh, this is pain and sorrow and rage and joy and love - the thing we call heart break but that is too vast for just one word or organ. . Time, I whisper again. It is everything and nothing. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #countryqueers #maracaibo #venezuela

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sapogonia

TW: Feeling like you are dying is not the same as wanting to die. It is also not the same as dying. The brain and the body cannot always distinguish this. This is sometimes known as a panic attack. . My throat feels the pounding of blood first, it clenches, my esophagus feels crushed, this induces more panic, and before you know it I am on the floor trying to remember how to breathe. . The throat, this is where someone tried to strangle me once. This is where someone forced their way into me once. This is where words get caught like a rabbit in a trap. This is where the mother tongue gasps for air. This is where asking for what I need gets locked in fear. This is where the knots form and seed the feeling of death’s coming. It roots here and then grows with force, spreading its limbs into my brain and the roots deep into the chest, the lungs. . Trauma, written on the body. . It is a physical, mental, and spiritual experience all at once and there is no single source or trigger. “Panic symptoms are maintained bc the individual develops a fear of the attack itself which is triggered by something they know is irrational. The fear of these sensations sends the body into an emergency primitive response to avert threat. The price is being unable to detect what is truly dangerous or harmful and what is safe and nourishing.” -Bessel Van Der Kolk . I will my body and my mind to count in unison and for my lungs to expand when I say one and to contract when I say two. Over the years and with practice this gesture repeated many times keeps me from moving into a temporary full body paralysis and I am able, eventually, to realize that what is happening to my body is a distorted message from my brain. . I was 17 the first time I ever experienced this distorted message that left me frozen and 22 or 23 the next time it came with such force again that left me bedridden for days. For the last 7 or 8 years they have come and gone in waves, but rarely with the ferocity of those early events. . There have been times where I wish I wouldn’t have them at all, where I’ve watched them unfold in moments and swallow up the best parts of my life... Contd below

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sapogonia

This snake manifested before me today. I received this message last summer when another Black snake came to me... The last one dead, this one shedding. “The snake asked that you have a ritual in which you shared your energy with your environment, with the river or stream. The snake is your protective totem, a water snake. In indigenous symbology, all ancient snakes were snakes of water. The snakes are great water creators, they are near the springs of rivers, the protectors and guardians of hydral cultures, of water, the fountains and springs of rivers. Latin American and Asian cultures hold them as water protectors. It told Leslie, "I am a water snake". Its colors were vibrant, purple and green... The snake that you saw was the protector of the river where you were. It manifested itself at that moment because your totem manifested itself at that moment. Proof of the connection. A clear line of communication.” . Ok universe, I hear you. I hear you. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #coatlicue #traumarecovery #countryqueers #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising #mentalhealthawarenessmonth

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sapogonia

Dentists. May 2018. My then partner had been insisting I take care of my physical health. He worried about my vessel as much as I worried about his. It took almost a year of a decent salary and good health insurance to convince me I could. I scheduled the appointment for a physical before I left the states. My body filled with dread, but I did it. While I was in Maracaibo, I went to the dentist. He scheduled the appointment for me and we went in just days before I was to depart. . It should have been a filling for a cavity and a routine cleaning. The dentist gently fills my cavity. I breathe. It’s been over a decade since I’ve had this done. She moves onto the cleaning. I breathe again. She begins, to scrape under the crevices of my gums. Inhale, I tell myself. I try not to choke but my mouth is filled with cotton and blood and pain. There is nothing routine about decades worth of shame filling your mouth with blood. You know it’s not your fault, but you cry anyway. You cry out of anger. You cry out of pain. You cry because you are exhausted. Head spin. Tail spin. Spinning. . When we talk about trauma collectively we too often conflate it with single incidents, but there is a trauma that is the trauma of the osmosis of oppression or generations of pain we’ve inherited. As much as we have our resilience and our resistance, we have these other things too. . The dentist worked to keep up with the blood but had to call it before she could finish. I slid off the chair and slinked into the car. I felt like I’d run a marathon. . Shame is such an invasive feeling. It holds onto your vibrations like glue and becomes you when it is present. You become it, embodied, and you wait for the worst of everything to fall into your lap. Shame gives a home for our inner demons to play. They dance their way out of our psyches and into our conversation and our actions. They tell you to go on the defense - to protect yourself before the cards fall. I’d like to say I can’t recognize this person, but I know her well. I’ve known her for a long time despite my efforts to shove her into a corner, to pretend that she was not a part of me. . Contd below

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sapogonia

Yesterday’s prelude to a full moon. I never get tired of this view and the magic in the sky. Never wary of throwing my questions into this wind. Keep following the wind someone once told me 4 1/2 years ago as they cleansed me in the way of their indigenous tradition. I was pregnant and maybe for the first time began to see the spirit inside of me - what it longed for, what it deserved, what it dreamed of and desired for its wholeness. That too happened on the side of a mountain - in Tennessee at another holy place. I was grateful then. I am more grateful now. Follow the wind I remember. The truth has been there all along. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #shenandoahvalley #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #countryqueers #traumarecovery

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sapogonia

I believe in redemption. I believe in hope. I believe in possibilities and imagination and liberation. I believe in kindness. I believe in forgiveness. I believe in courage and bravery. I believe in love and desire. I believe we are not what has happened to us. I believe it is possible to heal and that it is not linear and that it is fucking messy. I believe that messy is OK. I believe that we are not striving for perfection. I believe that sometimes the only way out is through. I believe that what the universe presents in endings are openings. I believe that what feels hard pushes us to be better, to do better, to be the best version of ourselves. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising #countryqueers #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #bipolar

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sapogonia

Santos and I danced in the morning drizzle. We ate plantains and pasta. We played with a new saber tooth tiger and his spider man walkie talkies despite their lack of batteries. His resilience and joy reminds me of mine. I stuck my hands in dirt for the first time in a long while. I pulled weeds like a mad person. Once they were all out, I worried about the coming rain. What now would hold the moisture? No matter. The flowers can now breathe and it is time for ground cover, for coaxing, for rebuilding soil. . In the backdrop I saw the lilies just starting to bloom. Lilies. I couldn’t help but laugh at this grand gesture of the universe, at this symbol of our love, at the dream that started it all, at this reminder of all the sweetness your love did and does hold, at the irony of blooming. . The universe is pulling at both of us, pulling us apart, pushing us together, pulling again like taffy that can never quite regain its shape, testing the waters for what kind of shape we can be together, an ancestral and amorphous one, I believe, one that is meant to change, and to change, and to change. . I realized somewhere between January and now that love has both limited capacities and abundance. In and of itself it can hold many things, but it must be both cast and received in a broad net. Love, it must be fed with gratitude, consistently, over time, across time, across space, across people. Without this it cannot survive. It must change, we must change, like the water. . You always said there was something about water. Yes, there is something about water. Can we survive its tides? Its flooding turning creeks into rivers and then into oceans of our imagination? Can we surrender to its power and know that this new shape that we take is how we survive? . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising #bipolar #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #traumarecovery

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sapogonia

Mothers Day 2018. I felt my insides crumbling apart, but I also felt safe to be vulnerable. Surely love can catch this I thought. But I unraveled the sickest parts of myself, the parts that can make no sense out of what it means to be present with the weight of both the past and future intruding their way into every thought. Love couldn’t catch what I revealed. I tried so hard to express gratitude, to signal that this was the way dis-ease manifests, that the real me was fighting to show itself, but it was too late and it didn’t matter anyway. I was a draining force of reckoning. . So here I sit at daybreak, staring at all the things in the house that must come down, pieces of love etched in notes and photos and tapestries. I don’t want to remove these symbols and signs. It makes this ending real. Will I put them in a box? Burn them? That doesn’t matter anyway either. Besides, Santos already asked what happened to the extra toothbrush in the bathroom. I had no answer. . Recovery. 1. a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength. 2. the action or process of regaining possession or control of something stolen or lost. . Can this state of being ever be normal? What does it mean to control oneself when we work so hard to not be in domination? Shouldn’t we be allowed to be weak with one another? Vulnerability was my attempt at recovery. I worked hard to let it in. I let its warmness envelope me no matter how afraid I was. My vulnerability revealed my weaknesses. I was ready to hold that but not everyone was ready to see it, touch it, hold it. Damn. . Recovery right now is trying to stay vulnerable and holding onto the people showing up right now in this instance holding all the sick parts because they trust that I can come home to another part of myself, the part they love melded with the parts they’ve learned to love because they believe in wholeness. Damn again. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #bipolar #countryqueers #traumarecovery

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sapogonia

Of course, I could not sleep. One morning this week I had the great luxury of meditating on this beach in Miami for an hour. During that time I could feel my mind trying to find the way back to itself, trying to carve out new neuro-pathways. Logic clashes with instinct. . On my trip to Venezuela I was triggered around sexual trauma. It was an innocent occurrence, but it sent me into two weeks of manic spiraling and one week of deep depression. The symptoms for me include high anxiety (including frequent attacks), compulsive sharing and rapid conversation and instigation, and the feeling of dying which really means the feeling of the weight of a car on my chest. During this part of the cycle I can “function” but people around me are often worse for the wear because my entire body and mind is oriented around survival. Meanwhile, my spirit floats around desperately trying to ground my mind and body in what it knows to be true - this is not a situation that needs surviving. These spells creep up around triggers and for most of the past year have been consuming my life and my relationships bit by bit. . I write all this down publicly, because I must and because too many of us are suffering in silence - even if we have strong support networks. Our people sometimes cannot avoid internalizing the intensity that we bring, cannot stay in with us for their own self-preservation, have not experienced nor can understand the rapid cycle of mistrusting one’s own mind. . There is a danger in lending one’s behavior entirely to outside factors - though they certainly play a role. I am clear with myself that a lifetime’s worth of unresolved trauma and survival has mostly been handled by throwing myself into movement and being a workaholic. I made a decision around this time last year to step away as I could to get a grip on what I could feel was spiraling out of control. Then, and now, I knew I would lose some pieces of my life along the way, but that what I was gaining was what I needed to focus on, even if being healthy seems impossible. . I instituted a number of practices this past year that I’ve stuck with steadily. They have helped but they have also opened up a deep...

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sapogonia

A few weeks ago I jumped off a mountain in Venezuela and flew like a bird. Since then I started therapy, have been working to identify patterns of mental illness, wrote a love letter that never got delivered, my partner broke up with me, a rock cracked my car windshield, my basement flooded four feet, Santos’ daycare had a staff walk out, officiated my best friends’ commitment to one another, cooked brunch for 30 people, started a new job, went to Miami, will be in England the week after next, and my mom’s illness still goes undiagnosed (insurance on its last legs) causing a significant amount of financial and other stress. . Colette Carter once told me that one’s saturn return doesn’t really call it a wrap until 33. @mzshaps reminded me a few weeks ago that this indeed was it and that I have everything I need. @breedlovecaitlin taught me that the hardest thing to do is to stay in. @lyles.probably @prima.de.afuera @rootabega and @vansickm12 show me over and over again what it means to have someone’s back. . Today, as someone I love told me he was walking away, I was reminded of a quote, I am mine before I am anyone else’s. I was reminded of my power and of jumping off that mountain - of the fear that resided nowhere in my body at that moment no matter how high in the sky we flew. My dad always told me to fly like a bird and to be free. I come from a legacy of scrappy working people who have taught me everything about surviving the greatest odds, who have taught me what it means to fight for a freedom just because we can taste it. I am brave, I am courageous, and my life is mine. I choose to stay in and though today is hard, and tomorrow will be hard too, I’m grateful for each of you (named and unnamed) that stay in with me. I couldn’t do it without you. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #venezuela #trujillo #paragliding #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #countryqueers #thisis30 #radicalwomenco

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sapogonia

In this journey the people you think and desire to show up sometimes don’t. Maybe they can’t or won’t or maybe you just can’t see the ways that they are - longing for something that no one can give you but yourself. Along the way there are surprises too - salvation in the form of unsung angels who help you believe in yourself, validate your feelings of unfairness and burden, who help you see the light outside of the dark, who show you what to walk away from and what to walk towards by their very presence, who are committed to helping you emerge from the cave. Trust or faith is funny that way. It comes and it goes or at least it wavers from visibility in your periphery. This human flaw I find somewhat comforting, because it means that conditions can transform and that means there can be this thing called hope. . . . #elcenote #yearofeternalspring #countryqueers #shenandoahvalley #radicalwomenco #bipolar #mentalhealthawarenessmonth

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sapogonia

Sometimes on the way home the light hits just right, and I remember as I look over the hills that I believe in some god and that this land feels like some sort of vessel of its body. I smell the creek beds and an early hint of honeysuckle, the must of damp soil mixed with the cutting of hay. I remember to breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. The sadness expelled from my lungs is overwhelmed by this miracle. I hold on for dear life, feeling a stirring somewhere, somehow knowing that the ground beneath my feet will catch me no matter how many times I fall, no matter how isolated and abandoned my mind tricks me into thinking I am. That’s worth something. That’s worth everything really. . . . #elcenote #yearofeternalspring #countryqueers #shenandoahvalley

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karolyynna

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sapogonia

What if you have mania? She tells you As a question You already know Two opposite poles of a compass What does it mean to live when you don’t know how to trust yourself? There goes the laundry and your job Stability? What is that? You try to build it around you in one breath You try to destroy it too Is this sickness? Is this a gift? The color of shit where do we make home? People fear us who you say? All of you Me too I fear me How do you live when you’re afraid of yourself? . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #mentalhealthawarenessmonth

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sapogonia

When @mzshaps and @redredrogue rescue a 20-30 year old t-shirt from its journey to the dump and mail it to you just in time for your travel journey that thus far has only included a few hours of sleep. Leaving the states to see my love and catch my breath. Plan on spending an inordinate amount of time disconnected from my phone, reading, writing, staring at mountains, being loved on and loving @_danielcber, taking in sun, and remembering the long lineage of #countrywomen who have my back no matter what the future holds. • • • #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #radicalwomenco #countryqueers #countrywomen #motherhoodrising #rural #venezuela #maracaibo #gratitude

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sapogonia

The Peace of Wild Things BY WENDELL BERRY • When despair for the world grows in me and I wake in the night at the least sound in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be, I go and lie down where the wood drake rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds. I come into the peace of wild things who do not tax their lives with forethought of grief. I come into the presence of still water. And I feel above me the day-blind stars waiting with their light. For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and am free. • • • #wendellberry #yearofeternalspeing #elcenote

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sapogonia

Mothering has been full of complaining lately. Lord knew I needed a three year old with the will power of a grown person. He gets it honest, I know. Some days all I can think about is how tired I am trying to balance keeping him safe and not squandering his free spirit. That’s the crux of it. This morning as the rain hit the roof, I was engrossed in my writing, in reflecting. I was pulled out by the scuffling of sockless feet that then crawled up into my lap. He hardly fits there anymore, and I thought to myself, for all the complaining and the exhaustion, I’m gonna miss this era of childhood and parenting when it’s over. Kids are such an image of the illusion, complication, and reality of time. • • • #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #childhoodunplugged #countryqueers

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sapogonia

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mhyri

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sapogonia

How do you know if something is a distraction or a sign? Another non-hypothetical question for you. The universe remains a mysterious wonder to me which on most occasions is welcomed and in many instances confusing. • • • #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #brujaswannaknow

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sapogonia

I find myself in the great position of luxury and fortune to be able to contemplate about what to do with the rest my life. Tell me, if fears and money and time were no obstacle, what do you think I should be when I grow up? (This is not a rhetorical question) • • • #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #countryqueers

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sapogonia

The snow never came through the night. I’m beckoning the rain, a meditation of meditations. Filled the morning with coffee and bacon and Leonard Cohen, Dolly Parton, Cat Stevens, John Prine and Joan Baez. This week shot me back to memories of being piss ass broke and with it came this type of fear I can taste in my mouth, a soft tasting metallic sort of feeling like the inside of tin cans. There is always a danger in remembering that time also as a time where freedom meant a different thing than it does now. I’m not sure what it means in the life I lead now. I’m trying to find my way up towards being directed to making decisions not steeped in that flavor of tin, the flavor of fear, the flavor of losing everything that you’ve built in pursuit of your life force itself. It’s all a strange paradigm of capitalism where the myth of rising through the soot of poverty is a promise of riches and glory. At the risk of sounding ungrateful, of romanticizing living hand to mouth, I’ve lost my ganas somewhere along the way. On this road to reclaim it, I realize I know less and less and more and more all at the same time. Here, I’m reminded of Dorothy Allison’s ode to embodied knowledge, Two or Three Things I Know for Sure, as sometimes one of the only things we can trust. What do I know for sure? Stability isn’t worth our souls. That much I know for sure. • • • #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #dorothyallison #countryqueers

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sapogonia

What I would really love is if this mercury retrograde would come for the patriarchy. So. Fucking. Over. It. More trees, less bullshit. I’m recommitting this spring to not bending over backwards for anybody (except my kid) who isn’t reciprocating that energy back with the full gusto it deserves. I’m recommitting to not letting strangers zap me of what feels like precious energy. No, I’m not special, but I’m recovering from years of giving it away and damnit it is finite. I read somewhere I’m supposed to envision an endless well but that must be the 2.0 of this journey that I can’t even fathom yet. Hoping this last minute, last gasp of winter snow coming tonight takes my bitterness with it when it melts. In the meantime, there’s frozen pizza and spilling my guts on paper in some maybe vain effort to learn how to trust people again. • • • #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco

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sapogonia

No words just lots of moods and memories. • • • #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising #countryqueers

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sapogonia

Today has been the kind of day between work and meals and very long to do lists that has included crying over these arepas I found buried in the back of my fridge. Long distance is tough when your love is such good medicine for your spirit. Missing @_danielcber and daydreaming about our next visit while I stare at spreadsheets wishing for time travel and transfiguration. • • • #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #arepas #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising

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sapogonia

Early mornings have always been my most cherished times. I owe that to muscle memory and genetic memory. Farm workers and factory workers meditate on the light of day before it’s even arrived often. We create sacred space where we can make it, because we must. • • • #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #motherhoodrising #scalawag #countryqueers #radicalwomenco

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vonvon8583

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sapogonia

Woke up in prayer. For the kids, for pacha mama, so that we may all stand in some dignity in the now and for what is to come. I saw the morning light, consecrated my blessings and saw the truth. I’ve worked hard for this place - a place where my soul can rest and where my mind and body can land after journeys of all kinds. Home sweet home. • • • #elcenote #yearofeternalspring #motherhoodrising #countryqueer #rural #radicalwomenco

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sapogonia

Sometimes you’ve been on the road for two weeks and you find these little airport gems offering you the warmth of #hojicha tea and reminding you that you’re almost home and that your life is kind of a dream 🍵 So tired, so ready to hug my kid, so grateful, so blessed to keep playing my role in this wide world of people fighting for liberation. #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #gratitudepractice #EWR #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #teamreframe18

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sapogonia

Sleep deprived and miss my kid but look at this view! • • • #elcenote #yearofeternalspring #motherhoodrising #nyc #radicawomenco #countryqueers #TeamReframe18 #auburnseminary

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sapogonia

My country ass is never happy to be waiting for this train at 1 AM. Take me back to the hills. • • • #countryqueers #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #elcenote #yearofeternalspring

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biancuz9

Chiedimi se sono felice? #elcenote #messico #valladolid #yucatan

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sapogonia

Good morning Sunday. Found some chingona wisdom on hand by way of books and zines. Sometimes we have everything we need. • • • #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #limpia #radicalwomenco #childhoodunplugged #motherhoodrising

6

sapogonia

Y’all I need a limpia so bad it hurts. I’m doing the work but need some deeper energy and magic to pull this mess all the way out of my body. I probably can’t get to a practitioner for at least a month. DM me your wisdom! • • #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #limpia

5

sapogonia

1

sapogonia

We learn to swallow the bitter bile. We feed on each other. Rehashing tired fights and opening scarred over wounds, exposing them to air — the smell of fresh flesh. We stare at them, mouths agape, wondering how we to are able to inflict such grief and pain and sorrow. • I used to run away from feeling it all. Numbing hurt with alcohol and my so called commitment to movement that made me bone tired. • And now? There is no more running. I feel it all, the deep depths of years of numbing, and so yes, sometimes it spills over and out of my mouth, making up for lost time. • Even for this I am grateful for I can know, like I know the smell of my home place and my mother’s home place and my father’s home place by an embodied memory, that on the other side there is something else to be made up to. I don’t need to know all the hows and whys of how I got here. I just need to know the how and why of this moment, of putting one foot in front of the other — a dance of intention, to feel the light and warmth of the next world. • Today feels better. Today feels like possibility. Today is all I’ve got. So I’ll keep stumbling on through in service to this life that’s worth living with joy, pleasure, excitement, and happiness. I owe it to them to do so. • #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #joyharjo

7

sapogonia

Today was a little brutal. Sometimes there is no reason for sadness, but it just settles in, creeping up from your insides and reminding you it lives inside of you, fighting you for control of your mind. I wander between lessons left in The Labyrinth of Solitude, Sapogonia, and This Bridge Called My Back. It’s almost maddening the clarity left in the margins of those pages. Sometimes it means too much and not enough. Doubled up on my sleep tincture. Calling it an early night. Tomorrow is a fresh day to be made love to, to be made anew, like LeGuin’s declaration of bread. . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco

11

sapogonia

7

sapogonia

3

sapogonia

In a bad mood despite my best efforts. At least my hair is long enough to braid again. Maybe I’m getting sick. Santos’ teacher said he has the best manners in the whole school. What? I have a headache. The dogs are going crazy over a 🐁 in the wall and I swear to god it stole broccoli off the stove when I wasn’t looking the other night. How do I make a paper cut out of a ship? My walking meditation today felt wild. How can I get out of making pizza for dinner which I’ve promised for the past five nights? My dreams lately have been a lot like these rambling thoughts - vignettes of nothing that makes any sense to me. . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising

4

perfectonumber7

The look on my momma’s face #priceless ❤️. This made me think of everyone who wouldn’t give me the time of day or even listen to what I was up to... and laugh 😂. Who else can take their mom to Mexico to a five star resort and have it all paid for by the company? #yaboy 😵😵😵 #vacation #junglamaya #elcenote #cenote #cenotes #Nativeland #chichenitza #aztec #atzlan #freetravel

4

sapogonia

Kid’s gone sick. Home today busting out all the remedios. Yes, frijoles are one of them. . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco

0

sapogonia

Grateful to feel the pure joy and blessing of this. Sending gifts of adoration to all the celestial beings throwing it my way. You know who you are 🖤. . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote

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sapogonia

1

sapogonia

But Santos and I did have fun finger painting and he’s told me he loves me at least ten times today. . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco

2

sapogonia

Got stood up twice this afternoon. Feeling moody and melodramatic. It’s raining and kind of cold, but I think I can start to smell spring. Thinking about the faith and failure of chosen family - the constant contradictions we must navigate - conjuring trust when we have hardly any left to give. These are good conditions for writing. Maybe I’ll write some more, make tortillas, meditate to the sounds of the roof. . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco

2

sapogonia

Coming off and down from a very cold trip to Chicago and a week’s worth of nightmares...the kind that make you sweat in your sleep and wake you up...grateful to come home to this face and normal things like laundry. . . #yearofeternalspring #motherhoodrising #childhoodunplugged #elcenote

8

sapogonia

I tried to soak up as much of the sunshine as possible, longed to live in a place where socks are not a requirement, wondered how much longer the cold would settle into this hill, daydreamed about the desert, drank some hot tea grateful for that exact moment in time. This chair and this window hold the tales of my days, some of them gracious, many of them frustrated with a little person working hard to assert his dominance. I swear, parenting is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I am overjoyed and overwhelmed by its magnitude. . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #motherhoodrising

3

sapogonia

The older I get the stranger thing time becomes. I understand the nature of its lessons to be non-linear but still need the steady routine and ritual that makes the days and the seasons, that keeps me grounded and that reminds me of the inevitable life source beneath and around us. . . This past month has been seemingly endless. A million lessons squeezed into 31 days, a million emotions, a million bits of neurons floating around in the brain trying to make sense of it all, a million heartbreaks, a million moments of joy, of breath, of focus, a million meditations and mediations on “What do you want? What do you want? What do you want?” . . I forget, this happens every winter. Sometimes I remember and take it easy and see just how these short dark days, lengthening as they are, make each moment of sunshine more profound. . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote

2

andreabennettcolor

MAGICAL 🔮 Another open cenote 🏊🏻‍♂️ near by Tulum. #elcenote #tulum #mexico #jungle 🌴 #swimming #opencenote #magical #blessedlife #pure #nature #quintanaroo #holiday #mayacenote

5

sapogonia

On New Years I built a fire and with community around I burned all the things I wanted to let go of in 2018. Maybe that was the start of the rawness, the start of another chapter of self-realization. As I write, as I meditate, I unearth the traumas I’ve buried so far inside of me that they are only figments of memories. But trauma that is not healed settles in the body, settles in the corners of our psyches, waiting to emerge anew. . . I dive deeper and deeper into assessing bad habits and bad behaviors. My trauma is not an excuse, but it is an explanation. Explanations are needed so that we don’t question our inherent goodness. For me, there is power in understanding that unhealed trauma festers into behaviors and habits that are not conducive to building a world based on the values I believe. . . My manifestation today: . I am not to blame for the traumas carried out that have harmed me. . I am inherently good and deserve healing. . I am responsible for that work. . I cannot do that work alone. . I am grateful for my commitment to that work. . I am grateful to those that steward me along this path without expectation and with mutuality and humility. . I know that I am a survivor and that not all situations need to be survived. . I can transform my defenses caused by scarcity into manifestations of joy. . I believe in the possibilities of me, of us, and of the next world that we must all usher in with patience and urgency and willingness for transformation. . . #elcenote #yearofeternalspring #motherhoodrising

7

sapogonia

Thank god for family and friends and comrades who see the work you’re putting in to be your highest self, who acknowledge that you’re floating on some planes of existence that are opening up your universe, who forgive your worst self and cheer you on because they love you. Here’s to unearthing and rooting so that seeding and watering abundance is possible. Special thanks to my mama and my hermanas and all my babe friends for your graciousness and sweetness @vansickm12 @rootabega @lyles.probably @la_lengua @mzshaps @learninhowtobe_critter . . #elcenote #yearofeternalspring #motherhoodrising

5

sapogonia

They say our greatest loves are the ones we’ve lost but perhaps the greatest loves are the ones that make us see our fears so clearly, that make the faces of our demons tangible, that give us the courage to fight for our lives outside of their control. There is a rawness that love opens up in us, forcing us gently (or not so gently) to look deeply into the stories of our lives, the ones we’ve been told and have told for so long that they’ve become truth. Joan Didion said, “we tell ourselves stories in order to live,” but I think too we tell ourselves stories that kill us or diminish what we we think we are capable of transforming about ourselves. .
. I’m entering day 7 of my commitment to no alcohol and to a daily practice of writing, meditation and yoga, because I can’t afford any longer the stories that I’ve been telling myself about myself. They are humble steps meant with intention to create a different story about my life, about who I am, about what is possible when my fears are no longer controlling my actions and thoughts. . . I have stood on this path before wondering how I’ll manage the rigor and discipline that it will require. For the first time I feel something else…an ease with the unknown and a confidence that whatever is required of me I will do my best and that’s all that matters. . . Vulnerability. Shame. Conflict. Reflection. Visualization. Transformation. Liberation. . . I repeat it again and again knowing that it isn’t linear and that I cannot have some of it without the rest of it. There are no shortcuts here and there is nowhere else that I need to be at any particular time or place. This is where I center, where I ground. This is the foundation for the year of eternal spring, the year to manifest joy and happiness, to adventure, to gratitude, to finding peace in the journey of life despite its uncertainties. . . More reflections over on @countryqueers from last week’s takeover or at link in bio. . . #elcenote #yearofeternalspring #motherhoodrising

7

dreams2cometrue

Cristal water source so amazing and fresh! #tulum #nofilter #beauty #elcenote #cenote

0

lifestyle561

Beautiful Oasis🌞 #VivaMexico #Natureboy #ElCenote

1

esmeferreira

Cargando energías 🙌🏻 2018 #elcenote

2

jonnacambrand

Come, spirit, help us sing the story of our land. You are our mother. We, your field of corn. We rise from out of the soul of you...🌱. . . #elcenote #planetearth #nature #water

4

ohhey_ninaaa

2

10siminho

4

mr.ayykriko

0

chilaforfun

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