i struggle with this app these days. every second post is a sponsor which isn’t even relevant to what i’m interested in; the rest is mostly ‘A-roll’, the hand picked, sparkly bits we want everyone to see - and i often struggle trusting the authenticity in these words and photos. it can all feel rather empty and preachy sometimes. and that’s why i spend less time here lately.
because despite living my dream life, the one i’ve seen hashtagged all over the internet, i haven’t had anything i wanted to say. i haven’t wanted to share any of my ‘A-roll’, the various photos from the past months featuring beautiful moments i’ve captured along the way, because the ability to tell the stories i want to share with them has temporarily packed its bags and left for warmer climates without me.
things are still beautiful. i’m still awe-struck. but it’s harder these days - it’s cold and we have no heater in the van, no shower to warm up in; i’m only just recovering from two weeks of a wipe-out sickness from which my body is still exhausted, and the days that still come where my mind feels like the darkest place i’ll never come back from are made more suffocating by the pressure of knowing ‘i should be happy here’.
but this is the ‘B-roll’, the reality of my that isn’t shared on Instagram because perhaps it’s not as pretty as you’d like to imagine.
but it is still beautiful.
all of it.
and i’m reminded of that when i open the window to the sound of waves breaking in the distance, when i walk outside at night to pee and there’s a canopy of stars illuminating the blackness above me, and when we wake, cold-nosed but warmed-hearted, nestled in the walls of our little home on wheels.
it isn’t always easy - but it is so worth it.
the bad days will come and i’m still learning to be ok with that.
but these are the moments people look back on years down the line, sighing ‘man, we had no idea how good we had it’
and i’m determined that instead, i’ll be the one looking back with light beaming from my chest knowing i lived every moment to its absolute fullest.