This life is precious and brief
And I want to taste it all.
I am not interested in replaying my stories of pain and shame.
I have laid those ghosts to rest upon the shores of the west coast
When the moon was high over the black water.
I am not interested in comparison: spending each day in the thick, smoky haze of swirling thoughts which sabotage my ability to be in this sensual, pulsing body; this miraculous, changing moment.
I am not interested in impressing you, me, anyone.
I just want to taste the richness of humanity— in all it’s bittersweet savor
I want to marvel at the facets of color, rippling across the sea at sunset.
I want to get lost in your eyes and find that current of love that will plant you deeply into my fertile heart
Where we can grow a lush garden together:
Hands in the cool dirt
Beneath the sweltering July sun.
I have clamored and screamed to be perfected
So loudly, that I never stopped to marvel at the way
My hips swing with careless grace
My eyes see beauty every single day
And laughter comes so easily
I could swear it’s always there
Waiting to escape my chest at the slightest invitation.
You might be horrified
If I told you of all the ways I tried to rip myself into pieces
Just so I could fit,
Just so I could be loved;
If I told you if all the ways I betrayed myself,
Just because I believed someone who said I was never going to be enough;
If I told you how sick I made myself,
Just to feel justified in tasting a bit of medicine— anything that made me believe that now, I was healed
Now, I was worthy.
I cast all of that out
I cast it into the water
I cast it into the earth
She takes it and makes it beautiful
And I walk away, whole.
Returned to myself—