Okay this is about food and nostalgia and it’s a bit wordy (should I have punned “waffle”?!) and it encompasses quite a few of my mental health problems from ed recovery to self care in depression and associations with the triggers of my ptsd!!
I totally understand if nobody wants to carry on reading!
The photo is my brunch, traditional Staffordshire oatcakes with cheese. If you’re from the North West of England these will prolly mean quite a lot to you.
I went up to my home town at the weekend and I bought these back with me. First of all, I have a difficult relationship with my home town because it IS home (I live in the city I went to my first, undergraduate uni in currently) but it’s where most of my childhood trauma, abuse, all of the shizzle, happened. I had to pass houses of men who had raped me. It’s hard.
This morning I was struggling with self care and so cooking and eating was difficult but the addition of nostalgia food...I was in tears on the kitchen floor.
It had been exaggerated by my bf who was seeing my town for the first time and he has his own mental health problems which he has no support for and I am useless support to him!
He told me in our hotel room that I am hard work and he feels his love for me is turning into resentment. I wrote in my diary phrases he had said to torture myself with. He said “you are undermining my life”; he said that his father (I never met him) died miserable under the thumb of his controlling mother and that I was the same. I wanted to end it, end the relationship, but he says he doesn’t want to, we’re okay and he would have nothing without me...so I can’t ask him for space. He said that I am controlling and manipulating but I feel powerless and as though he is dictating how I can even feel. I would like space from him but I am not allowed it. I’m afraid my bpd, my history, who I am, all means that I am impossible to love.
I ate half an oatcake and shared the rest with my dog, rats and housemate. Food on my stomach is 1-0 to me v ed recovery; it’s 1-0 to me v my low self esteem; it’s 1-0 to pain because I can not take anti inflammatory meds without food and it’s 1-0 to me v depression because it’s self care.