You want to know my biggest fears I’ve only recently discovered?
I’m afraid of being seen as crazy.
I have lived my whole life not really unleashing my emotions. I lived a lot of it either bottling up my feelings or not being heard. I would cry and whine a lot as a child, but as an adult I would hold anxiety inside not advocating for myself or sharing my anger, dissatisfaction, or sadness. If you know me in person, have you ever seen me get mad? Like, I mean even a little mad? Feelings like that rumble below the surface and instead of unleashing them at someone, I internalize them on myself.
See, I have long attached showing emotion as unladylike, unprofessional, or a sign of being unstable and “crazy”. Yeah I’m sure a lot of this was learned as a child, but as an adult I also have been in situations of worry of how I looked or acted and I never wanted to be perceived as off the rails. My lack of organization, goofiness, and random quips already have me deemed by people as scatterbrained, so do you think I’ve wanted to be crazy on top of that too? Hell NO!
The funny thing is I have experienced this behavior from other people, either in a passive agressive or manipulative form and it can be very hurtful to my kind heart. Over time, this can be crazier than any isolated outburst or tantrum I might have. So if I do get upset, you better believe I have a justification for it and that it comes from passion and the desire to make my voice heard speaking up for what’s right or wrong. And I know as I’ve gotten older that I have a lot of good stuff to say rooted in empathy and love. It’s really not crazy at all.
I truthfully don’t have anything heavy on my mind I want to be angry or sad about in this moment. I just want to release and shed this old self that felt I couldn’t share my real truth openly with others. If you are like this too, I want you to know you have every right to show your emotions and even get a little messy in the process.