#Wow - this #cupcake looks better than my #student #loan debt, and also, it’s been #19 #days since my last post! According to Google, that’s 2.714 weeks! I don’t know where the 714 in there comes from, but it looks ominous, so I am sad to say that I will be disqualifying myself from ‘How to Cook Like A Porn Star’ in order to focus more on my internet presence. I was in the top three finalists between Mildred Munch and Magnum Rodd for Most Delicious Seafood, but alas, the time has come for me to bow out gracefully and return to my humble suburban roots as a stripper and philanthropist. If there’s anything I’ve learned from these last two weeks, it’s that I share a lot in common with an #STD - I am that painful itch you just can’t scratch in public, and my presence will make you want to check into a #hospital for what started as a pleasurable experience and turned into a #night of regrettable actions. So ta-da, I’m back baby! (Again 🤷🏻♂️😅) That being said, allow me to carefully garnish your lives with some black pepper, a little garlic, and the overdue details of my exciiiiiiiting life, and watch as the steady unfollows come rolling in 😁 First and foremost, I have been wondering what “Call me if you need anything” actually means. Can I really call you if I need anything (and I mean **ANY**THANG)? Can I just be like “Hey Jim, can I have a passport to Taiwan? And a briefcase with $500,000? Also I’m gonna need a new identity, and some wigs. There’s a giant black garbage bag I need you to dispose of. It’s really heavy but don’t look inside. And if it leaks, be sure to mop it up. Hardwood floors will be a #bitch to clean. That’d be really great Jim, you’re a real keeper, even though we’ll never see each other again! Oh and feed my #cat, she’s all yours now. Anyway gotta run byyyyyyye!” But most importantly, will you reeeeeaallyyyy go get me that food I asked for, Jim? Like if I ask for a bucket - A BUCKET - of Salisbury steak, can I expect you to pull through??? I don’t think I’m asking for much, just go get me all the steaks in all the Salisbury’s and put them in a rusty metal bucket like GOSH!! You’re making things way too difficult, JIM, WAY TOO DIFFICULT.