I can't currently do this. I've been trying to figure out how to share about this topic for a while now, but I've struggled with how to explain it. Today, I stumbled across this photo a friend took of me last winter and the way it made me feel, knowing that I'm not physically capable of movement like this, made me feel like it was time to try to put words to what I've been feeling.
My back injury along with weaknesses and instability, brought on by pregnancy, has left me in a strange limbo. I train, but with limits. I can move, but lack my former coordination. I push myself, but am held back by fear from the instability I feel in my body. Despite all of this I am fighting, fighting to get back to where I want to be. I'm modifying, training in ways I never have before, working with trainers and physical therapists to help bring balance back to my body but it's a slow slow process.
My movements feel so foreign and unstable in everything I do. I can only describe it as feeling like walking on ice in shoes with no tread. There's this underlying caution in everything I do and a distrust of my own abilities to move. My sense of balance, neutral, and center is all just a bit off. Muscle groups I know should be engaging during certain movements don't engage. My muscles spasm, the give out unexpectedly, and my pelvis feels kinda like its free-floating, shifting around in an out of place within my body. .
I never experienced any of this with my previous pregnancy and I've gotta say it's incredibly strange. I know relaxin stays in your system for about 6 months after you stop breastfeeding so I'm hoping that, along with all the work im putting in to strengthen weak muscles and heal my back will have me feeling more normal over the next 3 months. That being said, I'd love to know if you've experienced anything like this after injury or pregnancy (or both!) and what you did to stabilize.