Being happy all within my own power is brand new to me. Well, I was happy from ages 0-3. That's when the arguments started about what clothes I was allowed to wear, what friends I was supposed to have, how short my hair was allowed to be, etc. Since then, the people closest to me, and in fact, the society I engaged with, consistently tried to force me into situations, clothes, relationships, and roles that had absolutely nothing to do with who I really am. I tried to concede. I tried to compromise. And I "tried" myself into the darkest, unhappiest hole you can imagine. I had heard the phrase "you make your own happiness" enough times to consider it trite, but now I see its truth and understand that I was too scared to find my own...cuz I'm too different. My drum not only beats to its own rhythm, it's made from material unknown to our culture. Being happy would mean that I stop compromising, stop conceding to things that would see my pain before my happiness, and actually be myself. Choose the life of a contrary kind, because it's who I am. The more I let myself be weird, smart, socially inept, and whatever the hell gender I am, the happier I am. I'll be honest, I didn't see that coming.
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