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sapogonia

Pre-ritual Friday night feast for el viento. The emerging darkness and cold of this season’s nights remind me of the pleasure of cultivating a summer’s bounty and the opportunity to hibernate - to be born again. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #nepantla #traumarecovery #restforresistance #elotoño #foodasmedicine #countryqueers #radicalwomenco #everydaymagic #motherhoodrising #brujxconocimiento

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sapogonia

When your Saturday is filled with these good people you count your blessings. . . . #yearofeternalspring #shenandoahvalley #fall #familia #sábado #unclebrian #teamrose #magicseason #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising #childhoodunplugged

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sapogonia

A million amazing things happened tonight in #Albuquerque at the @teamreframe closing convening reception for the class of 2018, this photo shoot was but one of them. Thanks @keithbrooks for the snap, @jasmarlee_ @janaebates7 @miguelesandrade and the rest of you for kicking it with me all night and dancing ‘til we couldn’t ❤️ @hairo_0 @canelita.l til we meet again! I am so filled with joy y’all! . . . #yearofeternalspring #teamreframe #newmexicotrue #landofenchantment #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #countryqueers

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sapogonia

Some weeks ago in one of our many random text message threads about the wild ride of parenting, @prima.de.afuera asked me, “From where do we get our power?” It was rhetorical, not to be answered in that avenue but a prompt for exploring. This question and all its facets, nooks and crannies thread together a type of discovery that comes from the sluggish work of digging around in one’s own mind and slowing enough to hear the instinctual whispers that are always accompanying us. I’ve been quiet in this reflection - writing to find a path, but not an answer, and holding all the truths and falsehoods that emerge. You see, power is a tricky thing with trials and tribulations of both our own making and all that is around us. Power is both imagined and tangible, individual and collective, a poison and a medicine. We come to know our power, where we abuse it, where we give it away, where it is taken away, and where we wield it for the greatest good by the very walk of life itself. Each well of experience and knowledge and learning cannot be traded or bartered away. We must trust and risk and create and fight for the sake of our power, for all its might, filled with grace, is part of our equation for liberation. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #nepantla #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising #liberationinourlifetime #countryqueers #happymonday #brujxconocimiento

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sapogonia

Taking turns using this room for a Sunday Cardi B and Destiny’s Child dance haven and a stage for the three little pigs even though I need to pack for Albuquerque because why not. . . . #yearofeternalspring #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising #childhoodunplugged #procrastinating #traumarecovery

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sapogonia

Daydreaming about Zacatecas y La Estancia. Seeing mirrors in these hills. Making moves on this journey. We got everything we need and smiling towards los nubes knowing they’ve got gifts we can’t even see coming. Falling in love everyday with the truth in these bones. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #nepantla #zacatecas #florencia #laestancia #shenandoahvalley #countryqueers #elverano #traumarecovery #mentalhealthawareness #susto #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco

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sapogonia

Reunited at last and simultaneously petrified and doubled over with tears of hilarity at the maniacal laughter this kid had for what turned out to be at least a ten minute burro attack on this poor 🦃 . . . #yearofeternalspring #motherhoodrising #childhoodunplugged #radicalwomenco #thisis3 #countryqueers

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sapogonia

Sometimes grief gets stuck in the body, sometimes it becomes water that moves through you, transforming, sometimes it wells back up in the form of a wave of rage and fire. Sometimes it becomes a small stone that you roll around in the palm of your hand as an accompaniment to meditation. Grief, it has metamorphosis and seasons too. . . . #yearofeternalspring #margaretatwood #tejas #soco #spellboundherbals #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #countryqueers #traumarecovery #mentalhealthawareness #grief #sundaymood

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sapogonia

•sound up• The last time I was in a church this small was in an equally small place in the mountains of Venezuela. There, some truth cracked open inside me and poured out of me in the form of tears that felt like rubber bullets. There amidst strangers, young and old, I found an honest bit of wisdom that only sacred space and stillness can bring. There, I felt stinging and resounding echoes of distant memories in my ears. • That nugget, like some volcanic rock, nestled itself under my heart, agitating me to anxiety, panic, and soul obliteration every time I refused stillness, refused listening. Eventually, it found me and when it found me, and I was ready to listen, it rolled out from my heart and rattled around in my rib cage before I realized it was an egg. Once I saw its truth I nourished it like a mother — like the mothering that every spirit longs for and deserves. I cradled it there amidst my ribs, warming it under the sun when I was able, turning it centimeter by centimeter, longing for and willing it to live. • Desire, there you are! And here, now in this church, 600 miles into the desert of Aztlán it hatches. The serpent emerges. My guardian, my ancestor, the reincarnation of the parts of my soul released from my body in susto coming home to nest. • Be free, I tell it. It makes a song and a flutter — a dance of freedom. • How strange I think that a being without limbs can dance. It hears my thoughts. “Are you sure?” It whispers. I catch my breath, exhale deeply, listo, and say yes mija, it is time. • Then, she makes her way from behind the lungs and through the throat. She comes pouring out of my mouth like Iturbide’s many serpents. As she bursts into the air I can see her many colors, her wings emerge, un picaflor, and for the first time I can see that home means freedom, that freedom lives inside me, that I am home. . . . #yearofeternalspring #nepantla #naguala #elcenote #aztlán lán #terlingua #tejas #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #countryqueers #traumarecovery #mentalhealthawareness #venezuela #trujillo #picaflor #home #iturbide #susto

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sapogonia

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sapogonia

Been dreaming about el cenote. Been writing, writing, writing. Been knowing. Been coming up for air. Been calling in chosen familia for each of their special skills. Been hitting my 205 day meditationversary. Been celebrating small victories. Been reflecting on the magic that is my life. Been seeing the gifts of ten years of deep commitment to sharing the stories that matter. Been seeing the spirits of the dead accompanying me. Been time traveling. Been growing. Been transforming. Ain’t no metamorphosis here yet but that molting sure is here (thank you @chaninicholas and los dos mariposa visitors for affirming my morning pages). Really, this is a post about all that and to say thank you and to say some things are coming and to say that eating this ceviche I made is probably the best thing that’s happened to me all year and I couldn’t be happier. . . . #elcenote #yearofeternalspring #nepantla #mariposa #traumarecovery #mentalhealthawareness #countryqueers #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising

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sapogonia

In exile of an appointed destiny I do not come from people who see the light in everyday I come from endless grieving, unnamed Resilience? What is that, they say, This is life We work until we die Even the holy they cannot see their sacredness They do not know they are not a broken people And neither do I To think of yourself as holy Is a condemnation To purgatory We are a people built on this mourning This morning Undo these lessons legacies of shame legacies of despair Forget Hope was for those on the other side Our hope only ever got bought and paid By rubbing together two pennies And walking in one pair of boots Across the desert We looked to the sky We sent up prayers When no hope rained down We turned on each other Throwing darts at our hearts There was no hope here either And so we gave up Resigned to what we had been given We find no comfort in the stillness of water We find solitude in mountains We trust the ground underneath us as long as there is rain This is the water we trust We wait We wait We wait Not for hope but for an end To misery that has become a life force Our survival A living death We seek comfort in Walking fields The same fence lines year after year This is not a wall A line of permeability These borders bring us certainty This land is ours We prepare our papers And our guns This land is ours We cannot be sure of hope or the deed But with certainty the sun will rise The mountains cradling her rays To her we send our prayers Knowing Her brother will come for her And her daughter will rise at night Despite this Because of this That is how we rise tomorrow . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #nepantla #motherhoodrising #childhoodunplugged #countryqueers #radicalwomenco #mentalhealthawareness

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sapogonia

Consistently the best thing about my Saturday’s. This kid is all the ground to my fire, wind, and water. Thank god for that, thank god. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #nepantla #verano #sábado #motherhoodrising #childhoodunplugged #radicalwomenco #countryqueers

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celestial_servant

I would assume that many of the people that follow this page found me because of this little one. How could anyone deny this face, right? I surely cannot, this fiery nearly three year old- making me the wombxn I am. Just being her little Virgo self. Last night, while watching the original Land Before Time, I naturally being my Pisces-self, was quietly sobbing, Iris Ielah turns to me and says, “ Mom, why are you upset” I respond by saying “Littlefoot just lost his mother.” Slightly puzzled still she turns back to the movie.. and then adds “I hope I never lose my mother.” And just like that, I am reminded the real reason I am doing all this deep self work. Because I never want my baby to lose her mother...

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sapogonia

Maybe you thought you were giving yourself a gift But you left it on my doorstep By accident Or chance Or serendipity Or fate The cause is no matter. There is purpose here. Here, there is ringing clarity amidst the shadows where we are lucky enough, have worked hard enough, to see the magic and mystery behind the veil. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #nepantla #tejasbound #elverano #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising #childhoodunplugged #mentalhealthawareness #traumarecovery #ptsd

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sapogonia

Monday night laundromat sunset planning ritual while in the ritual of folding, folding, fold the soul back into the body. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #nepantla #naguala #motherhoodrising #countryqueers #radicalwomenco #mentalhealthawareness

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sapogonia

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sapogonia

Nice for what? Summer of jams, summer of sun, summer of goals, summer of dreams, summer of hustle, summer of sweat, summer of rest, summer of love, summer of liberation, summer of freedom, summer of desire, summer of stories, summer of ritual, summer of familia, summer of joy, summer of balance, summer of contradiction, summer of vulnerability, summer of balance, summer of dance, summer of beaches, summer of mountains, summer of viajes, summer of curiosity, summer of remembering, summer of writing, summer of making pictures, summer of self, coming home to self, coming home, coming home. Welcome. Reigning in the petty and keepin’ it moving. Join me. . . . #elverano #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #nepantla #niceforwhat #motherhoodrising #countryqueers #shenandoahvalley #radicalwomenco #mentalhealthawareness

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celestial_servant

Magick! Our first major *art* project is completed! I am so proud of this new skill I have acquired, and of the beauty Nathan and I are creating EVERYDAY! Since the turn of the new year I have been manifesting and focusing on removing people and activities and habits that just do not serve me, and do not wish to bring happiness to my life. Kindness, art, meaning, hard work, passion, and TRUE LOVE are what I seek in my life, and suddenly it’s all coming true. Find yours. Create something today, make something for yourself- or give something away. Create love with all that you do, and watch the gifts you give away come back to fill your heart each day. The Garden and the Universe are one.

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sapogonia

Pulled this card this morning, a reflection of a decade of desire ready to move from the plane of the subconscious to this material world. Listening to every sign, every dream symbol, every card, every animal spirit that has crossed my path this month. Small reminders and big reminders that the universe is conspiring in my favor, I just need to keep doing the work. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #coatlicue #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising #verano #slowhollertarot #mentalhealthawareness

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sapogonia

Started the #summersolstice weekend with the blessing of chosen family, a magical summer rain and ritual, and a deep unearthing of the foundation that remains when everything at the surface crumbles away. Feeling open to both strength and vulnerability, to both planning and spontaneity, to both goals and surprises. Cultivating fortitude amidst the deep spiritual, cultural, social, and political crises we are swimming in at this moment is imperative and not easy. As I feel joy and excitement creeping back into the crevices of my spirit for the journey ahead, I’m holding the contradiction of the call to show up for our people where and when we can. I am exploring, experimenting, and practicing balance and boundaries. I know I’m not alone in that quandary and grateful to each of you that have shared with me your own trials and tribulations the past few weeks. I believe in me and I believe in us. Solstice blessings to you all 🙏🏽 . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #coatlicue #verano #organize #movementbuilding #mentalhhealthawareness #traumaresilience #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising #countryqueers #scenesfromsunday #freeourfutures #abolishice #nomoreprisons #slowhollertarot

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sapogonia

Despite the trappings and contradictions of nationalism and this one fighting a cold, we’re ready for this match! 🇲🇽 . . . #elcenote #yearofeternalspring #copamundial #elverano #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #countryqueers #méxico #vivaméxico #eltri

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reishiwitch

Birthing you was truly psychedelic. During one contraction, I was standing up and tipped my head back to let out a deep groan, welcoming the wave that was crashing all around me. At that exact moment I envisioned a stream of light beaming down from the heavens and straight down my throat. It was like the gods could hear my ancient song. How bizarre it is to trip while completely lucid and drug free. In the handful of contractions I had before pushing began, I had tiny naps and woke to strange patterns in my eyes, pulsing and floating with my own intense energy. A haze. It was so powerful I had to rest in between. I didn't even know you were about to be born until I reached down and felt around, (tmi? haha) only to realise your amniotic sac was RIGHT THERE. I poked it and could feel you inside the watery bag, it was insanely cool. Fear, excitement, anticipation, worry, gratitude. It was everything all at once. I pushed all those feelings away and remained present. Then moments later you were here. What a trip, man. . . #freebirth #unassistedbirth #indiebirth #freebirthsociety #tribedemama #radicalwomenco

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sapogonia

Back yard kiddie pool lemonade and grilling in the blistering sun season is upon us. Looking towards the solstice with every bit of pride and joy for making it to this exact moment of gratitude. I am here. I am strong. I trust myself. Words I’ve fought so damn hard to say and believe. Thank you village, thank you 🙏🏽. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elverano #elcenote #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #countryqueers #mentalhealthawareness

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mayapapayam

five years ago today i flew to Madrid and directly got on the next train to Sevilla...the solo trip was a gift to myself for having the courage, finally, to leave my toxic and abusive marriage...despite knowing the vengeance filled consequences that awaited me (for years afterwards) for doing it. those days in Spain marked the dawn of a new way for me, one of actualization, worth, and love of self.

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annabelle_fern

No matter how different we appear on the outside, no matter who we are or what we’ve done or what we have, we are connected by a thread of fragility. One tender string of life that can be so easily broken. Years of my life were wrought with anxiety and depression. I was addicted to self-destruction (taking way too many drugs, abusing my body with an eating disorder) that I used to cope with a mind that felt out of my control. During my darkest years, I lived through a tremendous amount of suffering, internal conflict, feelings of isolation from loved ones, and shame at my actions. I sought help from in-patient treatment, therapists, medications, and finally stumbled upon some positive coping tools that I am lucky work very well for me (running, plant-based nutrition, journaling, yoga, and meditation to name a few). I have grown with age, with motherhood. I have found magic tricks that make it easier. I have been blessed with many days when I have not suffered. Still, there is some wonky chemistry in my brain that I must remain mindful of always. I understand how sensitive humans are, how serious a bad moment or day can be for some. For some like me. Mental illness is a very individual battle, one that takes on a form for each sufferer as unique as our fingerprints. It is elusive and tricky, it is constant even when out of sight, it comes in strong waves. All I can think to do in this moment is to remain open with my own pains, listen carefully to those of others, and move with tremendous compassion toward myself and those around me. Let’s all remember to be more gentle, please. 🌿

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sapogonia

Healing comes in all shapes and sizes and is right in front of us if we stop, be still, and look. Yesterday was tough physically, spiritually, emotionally and every challenge mirrored most of this past year. Finally, I just surrendered and let it be OK to not be OK. I let it all out relying on the truth that at my core there is agency and power and gentleness and a deep appreciation and love for this journey that is mine. I felt a sense of calm overtake me and a sureness that the story of that journey is allowed to evolve. I am allowed to evolve. I am no one’s story but my own. Now I’ve made it to Frome, belly full, heart full, words pouring forth, and so I begin again marking the start of this crossing over, noting this midpoint of the year and the coming solstice. Upon this space to reflect, I’m somehow surprised to find that every commitment I made to myself for this #yearofeternalspring is in motion. This is a practice of patience and abundance not urgency nor scarcity. Everything is open wide and I am ready. Maybe I have been ready all along, poco a poco, I’m coming home. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #somerset #frome #UK #motherhoodrising #cornerhousefrome #radicalwomenco #pocoapoco #mentalhealthawareness

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sapogonia

Stuck in Dublin for yet to be determined amount of time. Do you think the universe is just trying to test my stamina and resiliency these past few weeks? Pulling it out of the deepest wells y’all, because I am stubborn and determined as the best of them and lord knows I’ve seen worse. Grateful to the ancestors and compxs who’ve been pulling out all the stops. #notmyfinaldestination . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #motherhoodrising #dublin #countryqueers #radicalwomenco

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sapogonia

I didn’t burn it or put it in a box. I couldn’t. I built an altar, a homage to love and all the things that it gifted me. A homage to a sacred vessel that was familia and to a place that I had come to think of as home. There is no room for bitterness here. There’s only room to grow that with which we were blessed to live, to pass it on. What an honor to have such an experience, to meet another soul in both the light and the dark, to ride the waves of this thing called life, for but a moment in time on the watch of the universe. . I place the unsent letter here: making magic, making alchemy, making life. . “Below the full moon: humid breeze, magical coves, secret scrubs… And the unicorn in the heightened wild scrubland, ready to flee, alert and tense.” . Here I meditated, prayed, held space, gave thanks this week. Is this grief? . Time, I whisper. It is everything and nothing. We crossed aeons to get to one another. And now? We let a mere ocean get in the way. . Oh, this is pain and sorrow and rage and joy and love - the thing we call heart break but that is too vast for just one word or organ. . Time, I whisper again. It is everything and nothing. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #countryqueers #maracaibo #venezuela

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sapogonia

TW: Feeling like you are dying is not the same as wanting to die. It is also not the same as dying. The brain and the body cannot always distinguish this. This is sometimes known as a panic attack. . My throat feels the pounding of blood first, it clenches, my esophagus feels crushed, this induces more panic, and before you know it I am on the floor trying to remember how to breathe. . The throat, this is where someone tried to strangle me once. This is where someone forced their way into me once. This is where words get caught like a rabbit in a trap. This is where the mother tongue gasps for air. This is where asking for what I need gets locked in fear. This is where the knots form and seed the feeling of death’s coming. It roots here and then grows with force, spreading its limbs into my brain and the roots deep into the chest, the lungs. . Trauma, written on the body. . It is a physical, mental, and spiritual experience all at once and there is no single source or trigger. “Panic symptoms are maintained bc the individual develops a fear of the attack itself which is triggered by something they know is irrational. The fear of these sensations sends the body into an emergency primitive response to avert threat. The price is being unable to detect what is truly dangerous or harmful and what is safe and nourishing.” -Bessel Van Der Kolk . I will my body and my mind to count in unison and for my lungs to expand when I say one and to contract when I say two. Over the years and with practice this gesture repeated many times keeps me from moving into a temporary full body paralysis and I am able, eventually, to realize that what is happening to my body is a distorted message from my brain. . I was 17 the first time I ever experienced this distorted message that left me frozen and 22 or 23 the next time it came with such force again that left me bedridden for days. For the last 7 or 8 years they have come and gone in waves, but rarely with the ferocity of those early events. . There have been times where I wish I wouldn’t have them at all, where I’ve watched them unfold in moments and swallow up the best parts of my life... Contd below

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sapogonia

This snake manifested before me today. I received this message last summer when another Black snake came to me... The last one dead, this one shedding. “The snake asked that you have a ritual in which you shared your energy with your environment, with the river or stream. The snake is your protective totem, a water snake. In indigenous symbology, all ancient snakes were snakes of water. The snakes are great water creators, they are near the springs of rivers, the protectors and guardians of hydral cultures, of water, the fountains and springs of rivers. Latin American and Asian cultures hold them as water protectors. It told Leslie, "I am a water snake". Its colors were vibrant, purple and green... The snake that you saw was the protector of the river where you were. It manifested itself at that moment because your totem manifested itself at that moment. Proof of the connection. A clear line of communication.” . Ok universe, I hear you. I hear you. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #coatlicue #traumarecovery #countryqueers #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising #mentalhealthawarenessmonth

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sapogonia

Dentists. May 2018. My then partner had been insisting I take care of my physical health. He worried about my vessel as much as I worried about his. It took almost a year of a decent salary and good health insurance to convince me I could. I scheduled the appointment for a physical before I left the states. My body filled with dread, but I did it. While I was in Maracaibo, I went to the dentist. He scheduled the appointment for me and we went in just days before I was to depart. . It should have been a filling for a cavity and a routine cleaning. The dentist gently fills my cavity. I breathe. It’s been over a decade since I’ve had this done. She moves onto the cleaning. I breathe again. She begins, to scrape under the crevices of my gums. Inhale, I tell myself. I try not to choke but my mouth is filled with cotton and blood and pain. There is nothing routine about decades worth of shame filling your mouth with blood. You know it’s not your fault, but you cry anyway. You cry out of anger. You cry out of pain. You cry because you are exhausted. Head spin. Tail spin. Spinning. . When we talk about trauma collectively we too often conflate it with single incidents, but there is a trauma that is the trauma of the osmosis of oppression or generations of pain we’ve inherited. As much as we have our resilience and our resistance, we have these other things too. . The dentist worked to keep up with the blood but had to call it before she could finish. I slid off the chair and slinked into the car. I felt like I’d run a marathon. . Shame is such an invasive feeling. It holds onto your vibrations like glue and becomes you when it is present. You become it, embodied, and you wait for the worst of everything to fall into your lap. Shame gives a home for our inner demons to play. They dance their way out of our psyches and into our conversation and our actions. They tell you to go on the defense - to protect yourself before the cards fall. I’d like to say I can’t recognize this person, but I know her well. I’ve known her for a long time despite my efforts to shove her into a corner, to pretend that she was not a part of me. . Contd below

4

sapogonia

Yesterday’s prelude to a full moon. I never get tired of this view and the magic in the sky. Never wary of throwing my questions into this wind. Keep following the wind someone once told me 4 1/2 years ago as they cleansed me in the way of their indigenous tradition. I was pregnant and maybe for the first time began to see the spirit inside of me - what it longed for, what it deserved, what it dreamed of and desired for its wholeness. That too happened on the side of a mountain - in Tennessee at another holy place. I was grateful then. I am more grateful now. Follow the wind I remember. The truth has been there all along. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #shenandoahvalley #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #countryqueers #traumarecovery

2

annabelle_fern

I think it’s safe to say that Oak’s half-moon home has grown into a full-moon home (happy full-moon in Sag!) and I honestly don’t know how to dress without letting it all hang out. 🌕✨ It’s funny, I was so secretive with Persephone’s name when I was pregnant with her (to this day, we still call her baby P). I named her after my favorite Greek myth, one that speaks to light and darkness and the deep bond between mother and daughter, after she came to me in a dream and told me that was her name. This time around, I felt certain that I would give my baby a literary name, but not one of my favorite character or author names were right for my son. I shared this with my partner one night back in January. Frustrated, thinking that the literary names sounded too pretentious and that this baby felt grounded, like something of the earth. He proposed Oak as a name. He recalled that we met for our first date in Oak Street Plaza, that my parents and grandparents both live on Oak Street, and that the first time we slept over as a blended family was while I was house sitting for my grandparents on Oak Street. It was that night on Oak Street, only a few weeks into knowing each other, that my partner told me he loved me for the first time. Of course, I thought. Oak. It so suddenly became our son’s name and we have all been calling him by it since. Somehow, his presence has felt stronger since we have acknowledged him by name and shared his name with others. He isn’t yet here, but we are celebrating him in full force. 🍂 How did you find your baby names, mamas? I would love some baby name stories, if you feel pulled to share. ☺️ #growingbabyoak #thirdtrimester #35weeks #babynamemeaning #tribedemama #radicalwomenco

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sapogonia

I believe in redemption. I believe in hope. I believe in possibilities and imagination and liberation. I believe in kindness. I believe in forgiveness. I believe in courage and bravery. I believe in love and desire. I believe we are not what has happened to us. I believe it is possible to heal and that it is not linear and that it is fucking messy. I believe that messy is OK. I believe that we are not striving for perfection. I believe that sometimes the only way out is through. I believe that what the universe presents in endings are openings. I believe that what feels hard pushes us to be better, to do better, to be the best version of ourselves. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising #countryqueers #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #bipolar

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sapogonia

Santos and I danced in the morning drizzle. We ate plantains and pasta. We played with a new saber tooth tiger and his spider man walkie talkies despite their lack of batteries. His resilience and joy reminds me of mine. I stuck my hands in dirt for the first time in a long while. I pulled weeds like a mad person. Once they were all out, I worried about the coming rain. What now would hold the moisture? No matter. The flowers can now breathe and it is time for ground cover, for coaxing, for rebuilding soil. . In the backdrop I saw the lilies just starting to bloom. Lilies. I couldn’t help but laugh at this grand gesture of the universe, at this symbol of our love, at the dream that started it all, at this reminder of all the sweetness your love did and does hold, at the irony of blooming. . The universe is pulling at both of us, pulling us apart, pushing us together, pulling again like taffy that can never quite regain its shape, testing the waters for what kind of shape we can be together, an ancestral and amorphous one, I believe, one that is meant to change, and to change, and to change. . I realized somewhere between January and now that love has both limited capacities and abundance. In and of itself it can hold many things, but it must be both cast and received in a broad net. Love, it must be fed with gratitude, consistently, over time, across time, across space, across people. Without this it cannot survive. It must change, we must change, like the water. . You always said there was something about water. Yes, there is something about water. Can we survive its tides? Its flooding turning creeks into rivers and then into oceans of our imagination? Can we surrender to its power and know that this new shape that we take is how we survive? . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising #bipolar #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #traumarecovery

0

sapogonia

Mothers Day 2018. I felt my insides crumbling apart, but I also felt safe to be vulnerable. Surely love can catch this I thought. But I unraveled the sickest parts of myself, the parts that can make no sense out of what it means to be present with the weight of both the past and future intruding their way into every thought. Love couldn’t catch what I revealed. I tried so hard to express gratitude, to signal that this was the way dis-ease manifests, that the real me was fighting to show itself, but it was too late and it didn’t matter anyway. I was a draining force of reckoning. . So here I sit at daybreak, staring at all the things in the house that must come down, pieces of love etched in notes and photos and tapestries. I don’t want to remove these symbols and signs. It makes this ending real. Will I put them in a box? Burn them? That doesn’t matter anyway either. Besides, Santos already asked what happened to the extra toothbrush in the bathroom. I had no answer. . Recovery. 1. a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength. 2. the action or process of regaining possession or control of something stolen or lost. . Can this state of being ever be normal? What does it mean to control oneself when we work so hard to not be in domination? Shouldn’t we be allowed to be weak with one another? Vulnerability was my attempt at recovery. I worked hard to let it in. I let its warmness envelope me no matter how afraid I was. My vulnerability revealed my weaknesses. I was ready to hold that but not everyone was ready to see it, touch it, hold it. Damn. . Recovery right now is trying to stay vulnerable and holding onto the people showing up right now in this instance holding all the sick parts because they trust that I can come home to another part of myself, the part they love melded with the parts they’ve learned to love because they believe in wholeness. Damn again. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #bipolar #countryqueers #traumarecovery

7

sapogonia

Of course, I could not sleep. One morning this week I had the great luxury of meditating on this beach in Miami for an hour. During that time I could feel my mind trying to find the way back to itself, trying to carve out new neuro-pathways. Logic clashes with instinct. . On my trip to Venezuela I was triggered around sexual trauma. It was an innocent occurrence, but it sent me into two weeks of manic spiraling and one week of deep depression. The symptoms for me include high anxiety (including frequent attacks), compulsive sharing and rapid conversation and instigation, and the feeling of dying which really means the feeling of the weight of a car on my chest. During this part of the cycle I can “function” but people around me are often worse for the wear because my entire body and mind is oriented around survival. Meanwhile, my spirit floats around desperately trying to ground my mind and body in what it knows to be true - this is not a situation that needs surviving. These spells creep up around triggers and for most of the past year have been consuming my life and my relationships bit by bit. . I write all this down publicly, because I must and because too many of us are suffering in silence - even if we have strong support networks. Our people sometimes cannot avoid internalizing the intensity that we bring, cannot stay in with us for their own self-preservation, have not experienced nor can understand the rapid cycle of mistrusting one’s own mind. . There is a danger in lending one’s behavior entirely to outside factors - though they certainly play a role. I am clear with myself that a lifetime’s worth of unresolved trauma and survival has mostly been handled by throwing myself into movement and being a workaholic. I made a decision around this time last year to step away as I could to get a grip on what I could feel was spiraling out of control. Then, and now, I knew I would lose some pieces of my life along the way, but that what I was gaining was what I needed to focus on, even if being healthy seems impossible. . I instituted a number of practices this past year that I’ve stuck with steadily. They have helped but they have also opened up a deep...

14

sapogonia

A few weeks ago I jumped off a mountain in Venezuela and flew like a bird. Since then I started therapy, have been working to identify patterns of mental illness, wrote a love letter that never got delivered, my partner broke up with me, a rock cracked my car windshield, my basement flooded four feet, Santos’ daycare had a staff walk out, officiated my best friends’ commitment to one another, cooked brunch for 30 people, started a new job, went to Miami, will be in England the week after next, and my mom’s illness still goes undiagnosed (insurance on its last legs) causing a significant amount of financial and other stress. . Colette Carter once told me that one’s saturn return doesn’t really call it a wrap until 33. @mzshaps reminded me a few weeks ago that this indeed was it and that I have everything I need. @breedlovecaitlin taught me that the hardest thing to do is to stay in. @lyles.probably @prima.de.afuera @rootabega and @vansickm12 show me over and over again what it means to have someone’s back. . Today, as someone I love told me he was walking away, I was reminded of a quote, I am mine before I am anyone else’s. I was reminded of my power and of jumping off that mountain - of the fear that resided nowhere in my body at that moment no matter how high in the sky we flew. My dad always told me to fly like a bird and to be free. I come from a legacy of scrappy working people who have taught me everything about surviving the greatest odds, who have taught me what it means to fight for a freedom just because we can taste it. I am brave, I am courageous, and my life is mine. I choose to stay in and though today is hard, and tomorrow will be hard too, I’m grateful for each of you (named and unnamed) that stay in with me. I couldn’t do it without you. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #venezuela #trujillo #paragliding #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #countryqueers #thisis30 #radicalwomenco

24

sapogonia

In this journey the people you think and desire to show up sometimes don’t. Maybe they can’t or won’t or maybe you just can’t see the ways that they are - longing for something that no one can give you but yourself. Along the way there are surprises too - salvation in the form of unsung angels who help you believe in yourself, validate your feelings of unfairness and burden, who help you see the light outside of the dark, who show you what to walk away from and what to walk towards by their very presence, who are committed to helping you emerge from the cave. Trust or faith is funny that way. It comes and it goes or at least it wavers from visibility in your periphery. This human flaw I find somewhat comforting, because it means that conditions can transform and that means there can be this thing called hope. . . . #elcenote #yearofeternalspring #countryqueers #shenandoahvalley #radicalwomenco #bipolar #mentalhealthawarenessmonth

2

womanismandweed

Here's a clip from our second episode where we share a passage from the anthology "Revolutionary Mothering: Love on the Front Lines". 👩‍👧‍👦💜💪🏽 #Repost @conlascomadres with @get_repost ・・・ Our second episode is finally up on Soundcloud! Click on the link in our bio to hear Revolutionary Motherhood Part 1. In this episode we’ll catch you up on what we’ve been up too; from our travels to our reflections after reporting on the Central American Caravan for @fiercemitu and what we learned from the mothers we met. As we delve deeper into the topic of motherhood, we honor las luchas of our foremothers and celebrate the women who continue to perform this labor of love. You’ll hear from #comadres @poetic_z from @mamaztribe and Yesenia from @af3irmla on how they intentionally practice #RevolutionaryMothering to build a just and sustainable future for their children and communities. -Music Featured- “Los Peces Gordos No Pueden Volar” by @anatijoux “Labor of Girl” by @bambudepistola and @rockyrivera #motherhood #resistance #resilience #wocpodcast #refugeecaravan #marchwithoutborders #laluchasigue #migrantmothers #transnationalfeminism #therevolutionstartsathome #spotifybootcamp #feministpodcast #radicalwomenco #mothersofcolor

2

sapogonia

When @mzshaps and @redredrogue rescue a 20-30 year old t-shirt from its journey to the dump and mail it to you just in time for your travel journey that thus far has only included a few hours of sleep. Leaving the states to see my love and catch my breath. Plan on spending an inordinate amount of time disconnected from my phone, reading, writing, staring at mountains, being loved on and loving @_danielcber, taking in sun, and remembering the long lineage of #countrywomen who have my back no matter what the future holds. • • • #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #radicalwomenco #countryqueers #countrywomen #motherhoodrising #rural #venezuela #maracaibo #gratitude

5

sapogonia

Mothering has been full of complaining lately. Lord knew I needed a three year old with the will power of a grown person. He gets it honest, I know. Some days all I can think about is how tired I am trying to balance keeping him safe and not squandering his free spirit. That’s the crux of it. This morning as the rain hit the roof, I was engrossed in my writing, in reflecting. I was pulled out by the scuffling of sockless feet that then crawled up into my lap. He hardly fits there anymore, and I thought to myself, for all the complaining and the exhaustion, I’m gonna miss this era of childhood and parenting when it’s over. Kids are such an image of the illusion, complication, and reality of time. • • • #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #childhoodunplugged #countryqueers

6

sapogonia

Quit my job. Feeling free. Feeling held. Waiting for the universe to bring what’s next. Meditating on Audre Lorde, “I am who I am doing what I came to do.” Just getting a little clearer and closer every day. Learning from this one about being uninhibited, unhinged, uncertain, and unplanned in all its drama and glory. • • • #elcenote #yearofeternalspring #motherhoodrising #childhoodunplugged #radicalwomenco #sábado #shamoftheperfect

13

celestial_servant

Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. ✨ This poem has really been ringing true for me lately. I pray for the ability to love humans as they are, and not as I wish them to be. I pray that we all will strive to meet people where they are at. To honor one another exactly as we are with all of our strengths, weakness, quirks and beliefs. May we all seek to be more accepting and forgiving. May we seek to foster diversity. Each person is put on this divine Earth to follow a path that only we know and own. Have a blessed day- tell everyone you know that you love them.

4

sapogonia

How do you know if something is a distraction or a sign? Another non-hypothetical question for you. The universe remains a mysterious wonder to me which on most occasions is welcomed and in many instances confusing. • • • #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #brujaswannaknow

17

sapogonia

I find myself in the great position of luxury and fortune to be able to contemplate about what to do with the rest my life. Tell me, if fears and money and time were no obstacle, what do you think I should be when I grow up? (This is not a rhetorical question) • • • #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #countryqueers

8

sapogonia

The snow never came through the night. I’m beckoning the rain, a meditation of meditations. Filled the morning with coffee and bacon and Leonard Cohen, Dolly Parton, Cat Stevens, John Prine and Joan Baez. This week shot me back to memories of being piss ass broke and with it came this type of fear I can taste in my mouth, a soft tasting metallic sort of feeling like the inside of tin cans. There is always a danger in remembering that time also as a time where freedom meant a different thing than it does now. I’m not sure what it means in the life I lead now. I’m trying to find my way up towards being directed to making decisions not steeped in that flavor of tin, the flavor of fear, the flavor of losing everything that you’ve built in pursuit of your life force itself. It’s all a strange paradigm of capitalism where the myth of rising through the soot of poverty is a promise of riches and glory. At the risk of sounding ungrateful, of romanticizing living hand to mouth, I’ve lost my ganas somewhere along the way. On this road to reclaim it, I realize I know less and less and more and more all at the same time. Here, I’m reminded of Dorothy Allison’s ode to embodied knowledge, Two or Three Things I Know for Sure, as sometimes one of the only things we can trust. What do I know for sure? Stability isn’t worth our souls. That much I know for sure. • • • #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #dorothyallison #countryqueers

2

sapogonia

What I would really love is if this mercury retrograde would come for the patriarchy. So. Fucking. Over. It. More trees, less bullshit. I’m recommitting this spring to not bending over backwards for anybody (except my kid) who isn’t reciprocating that energy back with the full gusto it deserves. I’m recommitting to not letting strangers zap me of what feels like precious energy. No, I’m not special, but I’m recovering from years of giving it away and damnit it is finite. I read somewhere I’m supposed to envision an endless well but that must be the 2.0 of this journey that I can’t even fathom yet. Hoping this last minute, last gasp of winter snow coming tonight takes my bitterness with it when it melts. In the meantime, there’s frozen pizza and spilling my guts on paper in some maybe vain effort to learn how to trust people again. • • • #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco

1

sapogonia

No words just lots of moods and memories. • • • #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising #countryqueers

2

sapogonia

Today has been the kind of day between work and meals and very long to do lists that has included crying over these arepas I found buried in the back of my fridge. Long distance is tough when your love is such good medicine for your spirit. Missing @_danielcber and daydreaming about our next visit while I stare at spreadsheets wishing for time travel and transfiguration. • • • #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #arepas #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising

2

sapogonia

Early mornings have always been my most cherished times. I owe that to muscle memory and genetic memory. Farm workers and factory workers meditate on the light of day before it’s even arrived often. We create sacred space where we can make it, because we must. • • • #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #motherhoodrising #scalawag #countryqueers #radicalwomenco

2

celestial_servant

Feeling indeed cracked open by this change of season and Full Moon. Sometimes you simply MUST lay your head down, dig your fingers in, and let your tears and fears be the love upon which new things grow. I hope everyone had a blessed full moon and Ēostre. Are there any other Pagans/Wiccans/ Earth worshippers on here? How do you celebrate your pagan celebrations?

5

celestial_servant

I want you to crack me open I want you to break my molds I want you to push me, To the edge To the place where my feet no longer graze the floor I’m pacing so fast Push me to the point where I fly. Show my insides to the gods. Do the angels clap when the iron gates of heaven open for another soul that dreamed of better day? Get closer to me. Because the only way to really know me, is to hear my heart. Does it always rumble like that when you’re scared? Does your heart cry tears like your eyes do? I think I can hear it weeping now.. Keep pushing Keep pushing Push softly, -they say that’s where the growth happens Photo by the magickal witch, @nikitagross // @_marriedtothemoon_

7

humblewildwoman

tonight i had a conversation with my oldest, no longer a little kid, not quite a teen. i asked him if he knows what consent means and his response blew me away. i always wonder if i am doing enough to raise kids that will respect boundaries and know how to set them. i think things are going alright.

10

sapogonia

Woke up in prayer. For the kids, for pacha mama, so that we may all stand in some dignity in the now and for what is to come. I saw the morning light, consecrated my blessings and saw the truth. I’ve worked hard for this place - a place where my soul can rest and where my mind and body can land after journeys of all kinds. Home sweet home. • • • #elcenote #yearofeternalspring #motherhoodrising #countryqueer #rural #radicalwomenco

2

sapogonia

Sometimes you’ve been on the road for two weeks and you find these little airport gems offering you the warmth of #hojicha tea and reminding you that you’re almost home and that your life is kind of a dream 🍵 So tired, so ready to hug my kid, so grateful, so blessed to keep playing my role in this wide world of people fighting for liberation. #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #gratitudepractice #EWR #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #teamreframe18

1

sapogonia

My country ass is never happy to be waiting for this train at 1 AM. Take me back to the hills. • • • #countryqueers #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #elcenote #yearofeternalspring

11

sapogonia

Sábado things. Washing my clothes like I’m washing my soul for these new moon manifestations 🌙 • • • #elcenote #yearofeternalspring #fujiinstax #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising #newmoon #sábado #lavadora

0

sapogonia

Haven’t had a kid free Saturday in ages. Gratitude for my mama @twetwez3 who is holding down nana time, my love @_danielcber for this Zadie Smith wisdom, and @blacksheepcoffeehburg for cozy chairs and good brew. • • #elcenote #sabado #yearofeternalspring #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #sábado

0

mama.ante.portas

Sharing so-called private issues publicly creates awareness. It eliminates shame, brings people together and encourages empathy and compassion. It is a form empowerment. There are two reasons for keeping things private: protection and shame. And it's mostly the latter. Mostly, for issues one should never ever be ashamed of: (mental) illnesses, wonky biographies, 'failed' careers, bodies that don't meet society's beauty standards.... Also, it's personal. You are allowed to hide, or to reveal, whatever feels right to you ❤ #healingjourney #healingisnotlinear #endthestigma #privacy #shame #feminism #sisterhood #letstalkaboutmentalhealth #empathy #love #momentsofme #mymotherhood #hope #radicalsoftness #radicalwomenco #tribedemama #birthofamama #softwoman #feminist #bodypositivity #selfcare

9

annabelle_fern

Growing our son has me feeling like a strong, powerful, beautiful lady. I know that I will soon miss this precious time, which makes me all the more grateful for this little respite from our daily lives and chance to be alone together in a celebratory pocket of pre-baby bliss. ☁️✨ #sanfranciscobabymoon #tribedemama #expectingwomban #radicalwomenco

9

mama.ante.portas

Today, I came across photographer @linascheynius account and a last photo of her and her man who had just recently broken up with her. I started crying immediately. The expression in her face reminded me so much of myself, almost two years ago. Today is one of those days, where these two years feel like minutes. Today, I wish I had taken one last photo of us together. Today, I wish I had reacted differently; better, more mature. I wish I had been the person I am today. Would I had perhaps been enough? Tomorrow, I will see clearly again. I will know that a love where one is not 'enough', isn't love. I will know that love requires so much more than temporary emotions - commitment, sacrifice, trust, forgiveness, dedication. And I will be able to find strength in this state of grief and a life that has lost most of its magic. And deep within, I know how much I've grown - into a warrior, a mother, a gentle woman; a woman who knows her worth. {film photo from our honeymoon to Sweden} #grief #breakup #love #divorce #healingjourney #heartbreak #loss #lostlove #singlemum #alleinerziehend #fromwhereistand #momentsofme #heartache #loveofmylife #stagesofgrief #healingisnotlinear #motherhood #radicalwomenco #tribedemama #birthofamama #mutterschaft #feminism #sisterhood

6

sapogonia

Good morning Sunday. Found some chingona wisdom on hand by way of books and zines. Sometimes we have everything we need. • • • #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #limpia #radicalwomenco #childhoodunplugged #motherhoodrising

6

annabelle_fern

Hanging out with a friend’s little one today while my big girls are off on a sleepover adventure. Having a tiny body moving around the home makes me all the more excited to welcome our baby earthside in a few months. I'm also totally wearing the same shirt I wore yesterday. 😅✨ #expectingwomban #tribedemama #radicalwomenco

2

celestial_servant

I want to be soft, soft, soft...-all over Don’t let me grow too fast and callous over my still gapping wounds. I want to heal slow. I want to let you and him and her and the whole world know That’s even when I could be hard I chose to be Soft, soft, soft, and slow. It’s International Womxns Day, I’m not really sure what that means, but I want to let all the womxn in my life know that it’s okay to be soft. We are not weak because we are soft. We create safety and healing and support and love through softness. Through being slow we strengthen our resolve. We create more sustainable action, we pace our selves and conserve our energy. I hope these girls that I am raising will remember that lesson. That when the world is harsh and hateful that they can take that hate, hold it, and change it. Constantly humbled by the womxn in my life, doing things, and making changes, and speaking loudly or softly or whatever their hearts seek to speak. Go hug the ladies that inspire you.

5

_littletravellers_

One of our favourite places • might be the favourite time of the day • with our fave peeps ✨ • • • • #sunset #wanderlust #travel #travelwithkids #wildandfree #wildandfreechildren #womenwhomake #radicalwomenco #changnoi #etsy #secretbeach #beach #waves #nofilter #livefree #kids #kidsfashion #craftcurate #handmade

2

sapogonia

Sunday reflection: Life is a creative project. A lot like building this bridge — an endeavor between a no-holds barred, figure it out as you go 3 year old and a perpetual planner of all things, strategy oriented 30 year old — it requires a balance between competing needs and desires, many ways of knowing and being and communicating and learning, a willingness to risk doing things the way we don’t know how to do and trusting our experience to inform our next steps and to enjoy being surprised in the process. • More recently I’ve been enjoying leaning into the uncertainty of liminal space. Maybe it’s all the meditation but some of it’s the reading. The year of eternal spring should also be named the year I returned to books. I found space in Gloria Anzaldúa’s work in my early twenties and now again with Luz En Lo Oscuro. • Within it there is language that feels like it tugs at me, names what is similar but not quite right from Plato’s metaphor of the cave or Buddhism. Here Gloria talks about Nepantla and El Cenote, and unlike the Coatlicue State — which I understand and experience to be transformative in its own right — these are spaces of emergence (often of self to self), of imagination, and of a deep collective knowing in which we learn to embody a reservoir of earth and water energy. • The year of eternal spring is partially about joy and centering abundance and gratitude, but it is also about the endless work and play of knowing ourselves and the countless transformations we are blessed to experience in this lifetime if we just dedicate some attention to it. • #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #motherhoodrising #childhoodunplugged #radicalwomenco #gloriaanzaldúa

1

annabelle_fern

3 March. ⠀ ⠀ This week, we took in a new housemate after a close friend had to unexpectedly leave his former residence. The girls are thrilled to have their “Uncle Mo” in our basement room. In preparation for his move in, Nik and I spent the past four days in a frenzy of spring cleaning and early nesting, figuring now is also the best time for us to have the house perfectly in order for our son’s arrival in early July. ⠀ ⠀ Today, the girls hung out with their great grandparents. On my way home from dropping them off, I stopped by the market for dog food, toilet paper, and coconut and lemon scented body soap and lotion. When I parked in the driveway I walked into the yard to stand beneath the sun and dream of where a sandbox will soon be built, where we will plant the Austrian pine currently sitting by the back door, where I will grow my first garden since living in this house. ⠀ ⠀ Once Nik got off work, we wandered downtown to eat lunch together and do a little shopping. We so rarely have slow, sweet moments together and the outing made me very excited for the upcoming babymoon we’re taking in San Francisco later this month. I dropped Nik off to shower and go to sleep (he’s a baker and wakes up at 2:30 am for work each morning) while I went to fetch the girls. ⠀ ⠀ I wrote this from inside the home that I dreamed of, listening to my children play in the yard that I have dreams for, feeling uplifted by sharing our space with someone we love, feeling grateful for a pretty perfect day, feeling happy for all that is to come, the messy and magical and everything in between. ✨⠀

8

celestial_servant

🌹•• meaning drips from my lips as I speak each word to you. How can we forget the gravity of the work we are doing. The words be speak, like pencil to the page draw the reality these little humans live in; baby to child, child to adult, adult to damaged and confused because I forgot the work I had to do. I’m grateful as hell for the people in my life that remind me that words are like glue in the ears of a child and the reinforcement I give them needs to always be positive. 🌟

5

sapogonia

We learn to swallow the bitter bile. We feed on each other. Rehashing tired fights and opening scarred over wounds, exposing them to air — the smell of fresh flesh. We stare at them, mouths agape, wondering how we to are able to inflict such grief and pain and sorrow. • I used to run away from feeling it all. Numbing hurt with alcohol and my so called commitment to movement that made me bone tired. • And now? There is no more running. I feel it all, the deep depths of years of numbing, and so yes, sometimes it spills over and out of my mouth, making up for lost time. • Even for this I am grateful for I can know, like I know the smell of my home place and my mother’s home place and my father’s home place by an embodied memory, that on the other side there is something else to be made up to. I don’t need to know all the hows and whys of how I got here. I just need to know the how and why of this moment, of putting one foot in front of the other — a dance of intention, to feel the light and warmth of the next world. • Today feels better. Today feels like possibility. Today is all I’ve got. So I’ll keep stumbling on through in service to this life that’s worth living with joy, pleasure, excitement, and happiness. I owe it to them to do so. • #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #joyharjo

7

sapogonia

Today was a little brutal. Sometimes there is no reason for sadness, but it just settles in, creeping up from your insides and reminding you it lives inside of you, fighting you for control of your mind. I wander between lessons left in The Labyrinth of Solitude, Sapogonia, and This Bridge Called My Back. It’s almost maddening the clarity left in the margins of those pages. Sometimes it means too much and not enough. Doubled up on my sleep tincture. Calling it an early night. Tomorrow is a fresh day to be made love to, to be made anew, like LeGuin’s declaration of bread. . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco

11

sapogonia

7

sapogonia

3

sapogonia

In a bad mood despite my best efforts. At least my hair is long enough to braid again. Maybe I’m getting sick. Santos’ teacher said he has the best manners in the whole school. What? I have a headache. The dogs are going crazy over a 🐁 in the wall and I swear to god it stole broccoli off the stove when I wasn’t looking the other night. How do I make a paper cut out of a ship? My walking meditation today felt wild. How can I get out of making pizza for dinner which I’ve promised for the past five nights? My dreams lately have been a lot like these rambling thoughts - vignettes of nothing that makes any sense to me. . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising

4

of.katie

Self portrait: age 32 . It's no secret by now that I jumped off the beaten path. ...like dove, head first. This time last year, I hit an all time low. My anxiety was a constant battle, and my heart ached for answers. Every day was a constant struggle between my heart and my mind. Sleep became my solitude. One day I rolled my mat out, and poured myself into my practice. I made love there daily. I began using cannabis more regularly, for my anxiety and depression. Between the two, I found answers. Or, rather, I started listening. Allowed my body and mind to unfold. I poured my heart out to people around me. Not surprisingly, the men in my life wanted to tame the fire. Douse me in water, convince me I didn't know what was best for me. "Try harder...be happy...at the very least, be satisfied" My favorite, "think about the kids" as if that hadn't been on my mind all along. I did. I followed directions. But the fire never went out. I still screamed from places deep inside me. Screamed at myself, to MAKE A FUCKING MOVE. People failed to realize that the last decade of my life was me trying. There was nothing sudden about the changes I was ready to embark on. I tamed the fire within me for years. I put myself on hold for years. The day I chose me, they thought I lost my mind. My character was questioned. My values. My parenting. Seeing family was like being on trial. I can't help but think, if I was a male, there would be no questioning. No judging. No "I'm really worried about her!" Why? Because I'm free? Because I gave myself permission to be happy? Because I stepped out of the role that was bestowed upon me? Marriage is not love. Love, should BE the marriage. Having a diamond ring, doesn't make me whole. Having a man/woman doesn't complete or validate me. Bearing children doesn't define me. I am whole all by myself Your approval is unwarranted.

32

sapogonia

Kid’s gone sick. Home today busting out all the remedios. Yes, frijoles are one of them. . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco

0

_j_f_g_27

You best believe I’ll put a spell on you... ✨ #witch #bruja #radicalwomenco #womban #thickthighs #juicy #wolf #mama #divinefeminine repost: @tribedemama - follow!!!!!! ✊🏼

0

celestial_servant

✨MŸ ŁÖVĖ✨ -These last two weeks have been so busy! I have been working extra hours at my silly out of the house job, while all three kids have been home this week. It’s so special seeing them all together. Acting like siblings...becoming siblings! I never thought I would be a momma of three, and the transition has of course been challenging at times but over the last few months everyone has really been settling into our routine. And my love, Nathan, oh Nathan... he has shown up for me in ways I have never been held before. I think that the world at times tells us that we aren’t supposed to be happy like this.. like we, as divorcees, were not supposed to find love so soon, or at all. Thankfully neither of us have ever subscribed to these societal time lines.. we have been able to be really intentional about our love and conscious about the way we (re)created our family. I cannot explain the gratitude I have for this life, for this man. -And! I cannot waaaait to venture to Arizona at the end of this weekend with him! I have never traveled with anyone before and this coming week is sure to be filled with new experiences and beautiful desert love! -even though Valentine’s Day is sort of silly and corny, I love the notion of taking a day to let the ones we love know just how special they are to us, especially in a world filled with Donald Trump🙄

4

of.katie

Always be open to your path and your journey... And never run away. Courage is birthed from the womb on the first light of day. Yeah, the day you were born, you came out perfect. Never meant to be torn. . -Nahko and Medicine for the People, Love Letters to God . #loveletters

5

_j_f_g_27

Early morning video calls with the gang ✨ and Ru who was out of shot! I get times where I think I don’t really matter (who doesn’t) and I get scared about life and what’s coming around the corner! But there is nothing quite like having this tribe of 4 -loving me so loudly and deeply even on a Sunday morn when I’m still in bed 💁🏼👑 I want to put this here as a reminder! #radicalwomenco #radicalwomen #ittakesavillage #children #future #love #somuchlove #mytribe #littleones #facetime #familyvibes

6

sapogonia

1