this is what (re)building from scratch looks like. by and large i've been a burnt out violinist for four years, barely able to keep up appearances. my health went to zero exactly while i was receiving some of the best, most intense instruction i've ever had (violinistically, mentally, physically, intellectually). my health tanked partly *because* of the sudden richness of resources and pressures: studying with simon and other new mentors, learning alexander technique, doing practice-based research, working with a counselor, surviving in a huge city - all of these experiences involved Unlearning things my body or mind believed were correct or helpful. even though it's an important process, when you're not prepared for it, Unlearning can be draining and graceless for whomever is privy to the behind-the-scenes of pretense.
burnout is a tough thing to face when you wanna stay on the Ambitious-Achievement highway, but my life path had ideas of its own. so here i am, relearning basics, and compared to three years ago when i would literally vomit just from looking at my violin, me actually choosing to play now, and to be patient and work through it all gently, is like a miracle. i'm deciding not to be ashamed of where i'm at anymore - pretending is more tiring than being burnt out at this point, so i want to be more transparent about it. my violinist self has never felt so tender and vulnerable but also so curious and whole, and to be honest i would rather be here like this - renewed and working on one scale, one habit at a time - than having gone on like 'normal' but none the wiser about how my own body and mind function and how they can relate to my profession more sustainably.
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