"I was blind but now I see." -Some movie with Bradley Cooper.
I've been hammering away at life in the dungeons that are my room, the gym, the kitchen, and the isolated kiosks at my work. I've ground myself down to nothing for everything that I have, but you would never know it because it isn't apparent or obvious to anyone that I have achieved anything of substance.
But what have I achieved? I have no trophies, but more often than not I go to bed at night feeling like I won. I don't own anything of value...no nice car, no nice house, watch, shoes, or jewelry, no fancy business, yet I feel the richest I have ever felt in my short life. Favorite team? Forget it, I'm team "Me". I've taken a long and introspective look into my life... Further than I have ever attempted to search before. I've discovered a lot of nasty shit that has been sitting inside of me, just waiting for an opportunity to show up after I cheat on my diet, skip that workout, judge that person silently, resist being engaged in the present moment, or after I speak when I know there was nothing to be said.
I asked myself hundreds of times:
Who are you doing this for? What are you getting out of this that is useful? Is this going to help you right now? Or are you going to bite the bullet now, and benefit from it later? Is that little dopamine dump from seeing those Likes stack up for you, or for them? Are you making decisions based off of how others will view you? Do you truly not give a fuck about what others think? Or is that just what you tell yourself? Are you subconciously trying to impress people? Are you doing it for the gratification and compliments?
Unfortunately the answers to most of the questions relating to my life were not what I hoped. But in accepting the fact that I had not been as honest with myself as I had once thought, the fog cleared. The haze was gone and immediately my mind became open to so many new ideas and revelations.
I now know what is worth my time, and who is worth my time, and what is worth cramming into my brain. Things always change for the better, the key is how you perceive it.
Okay stepping off of this High Horse. 💨🐎