L'amour est l'emblème de l'éternité.
Il confond toute la notion de temps,
efface toute la mémoire d'un commencement,
toute la crainte d'une extrémité.
Love is the emblem of eternity.
It confounds all notion of time,
effaces all memory of a beginning,
all fear of an end.
~ Madame de Stael (1766-1817)
Did you know that it was a deep feeling of loneliness that was the culprit of my first drink at 13 years old, first try at smoking pot at that same age, first cigarette at ... yep... 13 years old and add in the lie of separation / separate / other / feel like I'm crawling out of my skin I'm so uncomfortable being with myself and even more so being with you and the consuming desire to connect that led to my use of crystal meth at the age of 16.
The lies of loneliness/ other/ separate .. and the need to reach outward to take the edge off and try to fix it ... this is not unique to me. But when I'm believing those lies it sure feels like it.
The good news is that I've spent the last 31 years ( well, 31 on August 18th... facing that lie and growing out of its grip by putting down all mood altering substances ( yes all of them ) and facing myself and watching how the illusion of alone shifts into the Nagual / Awake / Aware / connected and know it / don't need to be anywhere else but where I am / love oozing out of me with no need for anything in return.
Thank...my version of...God. So even when it creeps in like it did in Marseille... the awareness has grown so strong I don't stay inside that story very long. Sometimes it's just a thought that floats by that I choose not to get hooked by. What a gift that is. and the thought/urge to drink/use/ numb out/ fix it / has been gone since I stepped into rehab in 1987. I'm lucky. I know this. My life is a gift. .
Both of these photos ( the 1st is in Arles with @jamiejohnsonphotography , the 2nd in Marseille ) remind me of fleeting moments of shifting from lies to truth. Ie: fear to love. .
I have had thousands of moments that I could have reached outward in an attempt to "fix it". I'm grateful I know it's just a lie that tries to take me down and can't.
l o v e wins. every single time.