Setting up my TPN tonight was painful. This flare I’ve been fighting for the past few weeks has wiped out all my energy, and with it, my ability to cope. To say I hate this body I’m trapped in is an understatement. I hate how unpredictable everything has become and how unreliable I have become... the disappointment is truly eating me alive, but just in case the constant symptoms and frustration weren’t enough, my boss is always there to remind me that I’m not doing enough. In her eyes, I’m simply not reliable and I’m not worthy of anything remotely close to kindness or understanding. She has known me for six years, knows about my conditions, and claims to understand because she was sick as a teenager, yet every word that comes out of her mouth is either condescending, passive aggressive, or yelled. I have to take it, but the stress has sent me into a downward spiral and there is no end in sight. I’m not sleeping, have terrible nausea, pain, relentless muscle cramping, reacting to almost everything and am one swollen, itchy, drowsy MCAS mess.... BUT I am still working. I am teaching MY lessons and managing MY schedule, but that will never be enough for my boss. I must be available to her at all times, no matter what, to help with her students and make sure she is not remotely inconvenienced.
I was supposed to spend the weekend with two of my best friends, it had been planned for a while and I was only going to be an hour late to supervise the workers, but she decided that was unacceptable... then got her wish because my plans changed. So, instead of spending the weekend with my friends, I worked all day today, on barely any sleep, all alone, in the pouring rain... on my birthday. Does she care? Not even a little. I spent the day alone at the barn getting everything ready for her tomorrow. Then came home to family at my house and everyone eating cake... I haven’t eaten my birthday cake in 3 years. I gave in and had one bite, forgetting it had eggs in it, then starting itching and got all swollen. I can’t take this anymore... I HATE this stupid TPN, I HATE my broken body, and I HATE that another year has gone by and absolutely nothing has changed. I need a break😞