I'm going to start writing on this account again. I hope it will help me to process and work out some difficulties I've been having recently. My wish is that it will also be of benefit to others, that's why it's public.
I think I'm depressed. I've been thinking about self pity recently. About how oftentimes I don't acknowledge to myself, and even less to others, how I really feel down. Other times I wallow in it, my mind is stuck in a kind of feedback loop of all the things that make me unhappy, everything I find hard and how there's no point or hope anyway. Mostly I suffer quietly, pull away from social interactions, pretend that I'm fine.
This text is the wallowing side of me. Part of me is always questioning if I am just a feeble minded whiny person, like depression is a kind of competition and since I'm not doing depressed enough I should really just not even pay attention to it, even less let anyone else see it, because clearly there are people out there with "with real problems" and if they are depressed, then what am I? Just a whiny bitch.
I think that questioning, belittleing, uncompassionate voice inside of me is something I've learned for from people around me. I'm not pointing the finger here. I think it's just an effect of how uncomfortable and unable we can all feel when somebody else is expressing deep sadness. We feel like we don't know how to be in response to that person but also we don't want to be close to those feelings because it might remind us, or wake up, a sense of resonance within ourselves that we too have a bit of that, maybe a lot.
Compassion for others and for ourselves is connected. When we don't have compassion for ourselves it's very hard to have compassion for someone else. We have this self critical, self blaming, self hating part inside of us that finds it paradoxical and threatening if we give love and attention outwards.
Part of the self hate is to not pretend that it's going on, to just think that we "deserve" the mean ways in which we treat ourselves. To show a loving side to someone is threatening our own patterns because it can make it clear how much anger we direct inwards. Facing that is painful.