Just because I wake up every day and give everythign I have got, doesnt mean I dont want to throw the towel in at least once a day. Worst Birthday ever.
So ive had some pretty shitty birthdays but this one was the worst. I found it hard to shake off an obstacle I faced. Having to find somewhere to live again. Not being able to afford a place on my own, not being able to work, unable to houseshare because of my illness and the instability that goes along with it moving last year 13 times in 18 months. Only being eligble for cirisis housing support if I give up my dog. Since hes my assistance dog that isnt an option.
I just wanted to curl up in a hole. I spent my whole birthday in bed not wanting to talk to anyone. I just wanted to hide away from the world. Still feeeling the incredible wrath of hormone changes and medication changes for the persistent depression and pmdd. The crippling anxiety I tried so hard to overcome and I won in my mind but the phsyical symptoms still called me grief. There was a black cloud that followed me around on my birthday. Oh how familiar it felt. Why would I have let myself expect any more? The huge borderline trigger, being rejected by my parents did hurt as much as I thought it would. It was inconvenient more than anything. Last year I accepted my parents woyuld never be who I needed them to be or who they should be. I accepted them for who they were and stopped fighting what they thought of me. It was clear I was never going to change their minds. Confirmed again on my birthday at 25. We had the same argument I have been having my whole life. I owe them for raising me and being such a big burden on them. The reason they dont love me, support me or treat me write is because I am different and dont deserve any better. Laughing at me for even considering I could be treated any better. I get what I deserve and well thats just it. They dont think I get what I deserve so they go out of their way to make sure I do. Apparently I am an embarrassment, a black mark on the family I have always been. Well I could go on for hours. But im sure a lot of you know what I mean. ⬇⬇⬇cont