During the course of Dan's illness I spent countless hours wondering, trying to bargain with God, researching, and examining everything we did or could possibly do to "fix" the fact that he had cancer. Realizing we were at the end of the road the frustration I felt was infuriating. For the first time in my life I felt like a failure. I felt like I had let everyone down, like I had let Dan down because I couldn't find the answer to help him live. I finally understood what defeat felt like. Then I got very mad. "What was the point of all this struggle and work if it wasn't going to work!?!?!" I remember screaming these words with tears streaming down my face. "What am I supposed to do now?" came when I realized I no longer was supposed to try and "fix" Dan, but instead sit and "be" with Dan. See, I'm a doer, a fixer, a "I can solve any problem in the world given the time and resources" type girl. I'm not good at sitting and I'm horrible at accepting defeat. Driving Dan home from the hospital that last time was physically painful. I knew it was the last drive home from the hospital we would do. The time had come to go home and just "be", to ensure Dan's end of life wishes were fulfilled. The month that followed was overcast with anxiety and the deepest depression I could imagine. As Dan slipped slowly away I was learning how to let others in to help me, how to gracefully accept defeat, and how to simply let go. Then Dan died. Standing in my kitchen as they wheeled his body out of our home, I felt like I'd had half my body severed. I stood there and begged God to let me die so that I could go with him. "My purpose for being here was to share my life with Dan, now it's done. Take me too." In the months that have followed I've been a wreck, been lost, felt every emotion there is to feel. I've been exhausted. But I've also been astounded by the relationships I share, I've felt great joy, I've found new hope, and I learned that my "job" was never to fix Dan. My job is to share that experience with others. To offer our story that others may gain hope and encouragement, to never stop sharing how Dan and our journey impacted me.