Looking in the mirror tonight I see Wolverine looking back at me. I love it. Then I think to myself, “how can my own mother abandon me?”
Ok, so abandon isn’t the right word — Mom is still around.. sort of. In the sense that I know if I needed her, she’d come running, but she’d weep the entire time and call me by my birth name. She’d misgender me, tell me how she’s praying for me, tell me how she and Dad and my grandparents miss me. She’s cry when she saw my facial hair and she’d probably tell me that God made me into a beautiful girl and I was going against his plan. And then she’d cry some more
I miss my family. I think about them, at least one of them almost daily. I think about how my Mom’s birthday is coming up and that’s the anniversary of the last time I saw my Dad, or spoke to him in person. .
I’d just changed my name, legally and was almost 2 months into my transition. For the sake of my Mom and peace at dinner, I didn’t correct people or make a big deal when they misgendered me or called me my old name. After dinner I pulled my Dad aside and told him I’d legally changed my name and was Kasen now — he blew me off and said “we’ll discuss that later”. I told him there was nothing to discuss, it was my name. He blew me off again and not 10 seconds later, perked up and offered my leftovers as he once again called me by my birth name. I took a moment’s pause, looked at everyone in the room and said, “ok, see you guys”. Then I walked out the door. That was the last time I saw my Dad. That was our last conversation. .
I imagine that he misses me, but his pride is too large to admit any fault or to decide that respecting my pronouns is more important than losing me altogether. .
I’ve toiled the last week or so with my response if Mom invites me to family dinner. I’ve decided “no”. I am valid. My pronouns are valid. My gender identity is valid. If they want a relationship with me, they go through Kasen. He’s a great guy. Wish they were interested in meeting him. 🤦♂️😔
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