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sapogonia

Came home to an altar of tulips doing magical things like looking beautiful amidst death. Travel tired. Downing coffee. Headed to my polling place. Digging through a million emails this afternoon and basking in the about to be joy of hugging my kid. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #nepantla #govote #countryqueers #shenandoahvalley #motherhoodrising #scorpioseason

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sapogonia

I did not wake up to breakfast in bed, balloons or confetti but to a sleeping child lying amidst the blazing glory of the autumnal sun beaming through dew drops on the window. Waking up is everything in a year when I was not sure I would survive, in a year where death and grief followed me around, in a year I was almost certain I would not survive one more round of life’s despair. Today, I wandered about the woods to see everything around me both dying and living and all at once I felt at home amongst the wildness of things. Here I am, reborn another year, at the curtain of life and death, at the place that has come for me and that I have journeyed to see. Here there are those we have lost, pieces of ourselves we abandoned, and the visions that have come before. Together they are singing hoping that we may each hear and sense their sound and tremor to light the way. . . . #yearofeternalspring #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #countryqueers #shenandoahvalley #scorpioseason #nepantla #elcenote #traumaresilience #mentalhealthawareness #brujxconocimiento #staycation

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sapogonia

Annual staycation is ON! Lovin’ on all the things that stay, that show up, that exude home, that endure both pain and joy, that understand the contradictions of life and can see beyond their horizon. Lovin’ on seeing the other side, on embracing the shadows, on transformation, on becoming, on being, on learning and holding all the curves of our souls. Lovin’ on endings and beginnings and innocence and the pure glee and curiousness that exudes off of this one true love. What a glory and gift that our souls were to be united in this lifetime. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #nepantla #staycation #elotoño #countryqueers #shenandoahvalley #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising #childhoodunplugged #scorpioseason #brujxconocimiento

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sapogonia

Scorpio season commence. May we all embrace shedding with a glorious welcome and dance 🐍♏️🌕🦂 . . . #yearofeternalspring #nepantla #elcenote #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising #countryqueers #traumarecovery #traumaresilience

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sapogonia

Basil harvest to beat tonight’s likely frost back here in the Glen. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elotoño #motherhoodrising #childhoodunplugged #harvest #basil #shenandoahvalley #sábado

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sapogonia

Pre-ritual Friday night feast for el viento. The emerging darkness and cold of this season’s nights remind me of the pleasure of cultivating a summer’s bounty and the opportunity to hibernate - to be born again. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #nepantla #traumarecovery #restforresistance #elotoño #foodasmedicine #countryqueers #radicalwomenco #everydaymagic #motherhoodrising #brujxconocimiento

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sapogonia

When your Saturday is filled with these good people you count your blessings. . . . #yearofeternalspring #shenandoahvalley #fall #familia #sábado #unclebrian #teamrose #magicseason #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising #childhoodunplugged

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sapogonia

Kicking off the Harrisonburg International Festival with a little sideline cheering for street World Cup! . . . #yearofeternalspring #motherhoodrising #childhoodunplugged #harrisonburg #shenandoahvalley #harrisonburginternationalfestival #countryqueers

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sapogonia

About to board my flight and reflecting on the past months of mentoring these beauties in @teamreframe. They have taught me so much about accompanying leaders in practice, trusting our instincts enough to listen to them, and showing up even when it gets hella hard and confusing. None of us can be leaders by ourselves and grateful to be in continued leadership with you @naticonrazon @theaccentchronicles. Thank you for the gift of listening to my sometimes cognizant long-winded rambling and metaphors 🙏🏽 . . . #yearofeternalspring #teamreframe #liberationinourlifetime #leadership #communicanizersunite #movementbuilding #albuquerque #newmexicotrue

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sapogonia

A million amazing things happened tonight in #Albuquerque at the @teamreframe closing convening reception for the class of 2018, this photo shoot was but one of them. Thanks @keithbrooks for the snap, @jasmarlee_ @janaebates7 @miguelesandrade and the rest of you for kicking it with me all night and dancing ‘til we couldn’t ❤️ @hairo_0 @canelita.l til we meet again! I am so filled with joy y’all! . . . #yearofeternalspring #teamreframe #newmexicotrue #landofenchantment #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #countryqueers

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sapogonia

Our friend Juan from @swopista and @arribanm took @teamreframe on a mural tour of #albuquerque, told us about the legacy of cultural organizing of native people here, and then fed us cerveza and a warm homemade caldo. The news is a dumpster fire these days, but people everywhere are keeping it moving in the direction of freedom, giving grace in ordinary and extraordinary circumstances, and building the relationships and infrastructure we need 🙏🏽 . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #nepantla #teamreframe #communicanizersunite #liberationinourlifetime #newmexicotrue #landofenchantment

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sapogonia

Some weeks ago in one of our many random text message threads about the wild ride of parenting, @prima.de.afuera asked me, “From where do we get our power?” It was rhetorical, not to be answered in that avenue but a prompt for exploring. This question and all its facets, nooks and crannies thread together a type of discovery that comes from the sluggish work of digging around in one’s own mind and slowing enough to hear the instinctual whispers that are always accompanying us. I’ve been quiet in this reflection - writing to find a path, but not an answer, and holding all the truths and falsehoods that emerge. You see, power is a tricky thing with trials and tribulations of both our own making and all that is around us. Power is both imagined and tangible, individual and collective, a poison and a medicine. We come to know our power, where we abuse it, where we give it away, where it is taken away, and where we wield it for the greatest good by the very walk of life itself. Each well of experience and knowledge and learning cannot be traded or bartered away. We must trust and risk and create and fight for the sake of our power, for all its might, filled with grace, is part of our equation for liberation. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #nepantla #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising #liberationinourlifetime #countryqueers #happymonday #brujxconocimiento

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sapogonia

Taking turns using this room for a Sunday Cardi B and Destiny’s Child dance haven and a stage for the three little pigs even though I need to pack for Albuquerque because why not. . . . #yearofeternalspring #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising #childhoodunplugged #procrastinating #traumarecovery

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sapogonia

Daydreaming about Zacatecas y La Estancia. Seeing mirrors in these hills. Making moves on this journey. We got everything we need and smiling towards los nubes knowing they’ve got gifts we can’t even see coming. Falling in love everyday with the truth in these bones. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #nepantla #zacatecas #florencia #laestancia #shenandoahvalley #countryqueers #elverano #traumarecovery #mentalhealthawareness #susto #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco

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Reunited at last and simultaneously petrified and doubled over with tears of hilarity at the maniacal laughter this kid had for what turned out to be at least a ten minute burro attack on this poor 🦃 . . . #yearofeternalspring #motherhoodrising #childhoodunplugged #radicalwomenco #thisis3 #countryqueers

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sapogonia

Homeward bound and feeling blessed to hear about organizing in Texas from the Rio Grande Valley to Austin to Houston to El Paso and to offer support where called upon and possible. Lots of reflecting on movement building in this time, my role in it, and how it’s been transforming and shape shifting, calling my name and making space. Some of that space making has been hard as fuck and confusing, but it’s been such a gift of learning what it means to trust myself and choose myself over and over again in service of the destiny of the collective liberation of our people. . . . #yearofeternalspring #riograndevalley #tejas #movementbuilding #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising #countryqueers #nobannowall #traumarecovery #mentalhealthawareness

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sapogonia

Sometimes grief gets stuck in the body, sometimes it becomes water that moves through you, transforming, sometimes it wells back up in the form of a wave of rage and fire. Sometimes it becomes a small stone that you roll around in the palm of your hand as an accompaniment to meditation. Grief, it has metamorphosis and seasons too. . . . #yearofeternalspring #margaretatwood #tejas #soco #spellboundherbals #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #countryqueers #traumarecovery #mentalhealthawareness #grief #sundaymood

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sapogonia

Been dreaming about el cenote. Been writing, writing, writing. Been knowing. Been coming up for air. Been calling in chosen familia for each of their special skills. Been hitting my 205 day meditationversary. Been celebrating small victories. Been reflecting on the magic that is my life. Been seeing the gifts of ten years of deep commitment to sharing the stories that matter. Been seeing the spirits of the dead accompanying me. Been time traveling. Been growing. Been transforming. Ain’t no metamorphosis here yet but that molting sure is here (thank you @chaninicholas and los dos mariposa visitors for affirming my morning pages). Really, this is a post about all that and to say thank you and to say some things are coming and to say that eating this ceviche I made is probably the best thing that’s happened to me all year and I couldn’t be happier. . . . #elcenote #yearofeternalspring #nepantla #mariposa #traumarecovery #mentalhealthawareness #countryqueers #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising

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sapogonia

In exile of an appointed destiny I do not come from people who see the light in everyday I come from endless grieving, unnamed Resilience? What is that, they say, This is life We work until we die Even the holy they cannot see their sacredness They do not know they are not a broken people And neither do I To think of yourself as holy Is a condemnation To purgatory We are a people built on this mourning This morning Undo these lessons legacies of shame legacies of despair Forget Hope was for those on the other side Our hope only ever got bought and paid By rubbing together two pennies And walking in one pair of boots Across the desert We looked to the sky We sent up prayers When no hope rained down We turned on each other Throwing darts at our hearts There was no hope here either And so we gave up Resigned to what we had been given We find no comfort in the stillness of water We find solitude in mountains We trust the ground underneath us as long as there is rain This is the water we trust We wait We wait We wait Not for hope but for an end To misery that has become a life force Our survival A living death We seek comfort in Walking fields The same fence lines year after year This is not a wall A line of permeability These borders bring us certainty This land is ours We prepare our papers And our guns This land is ours We cannot be sure of hope or the deed But with certainty the sun will rise The mountains cradling her rays To her we send our prayers Knowing Her brother will come for her And her daughter will rise at night Despite this Because of this That is how we rise tomorrow . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #nepantla #motherhoodrising #childhoodunplugged #countryqueers #radicalwomenco #mentalhealthawareness

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sapogonia

Consistently the best thing about my Saturday’s. This kid is all the ground to my fire, wind, and water. Thank god for that, thank god. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #nepantla #verano #sábado #motherhoodrising #childhoodunplugged #radicalwomenco #countryqueers

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sapogonia

Currently fighting over a hymnal book, but they’re so cute it doesn’t matter. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elverano #angelandian #boda #mcneilcorteswed

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sapogonia

Left a week in Tejas with this chingona and dozens of other organizers, communicators, and movement bad asses who gave my spirit a boost with their wisdom, work, and showing up. The world is full of buried land mines but it’s also got the beat of resistance carried in thousands of hearts. . . . #yearofeternalspring #communicanizer #teamreframe #liberationinourlifetime #txcommscon #tejas #movementbuilding

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sapogonia

Elephant mountain Kokernot mesa Santiago peak Packsaddle mountain Hen egg mountain Bee mountain . Home for a brief stint to close out a season of grieving, to celebrate the wisdom and longevity of the oceans under mountains and the mountains under oceans, to bring forth memories and vision to reunite lost bits of the soul. All this earth moving words to page. All this sky bringing an unknown joy. All this sol filling and opening my heart. All this wind whispering what’s to come. God is out here and so am I. 🙏🏽 #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #nepantla #borderlands #terlingua #tejas #aztlán #desert #bigbendnationalpark #apacheland #writingretreat #ptsd #traumarecovery #susto #mentalhealthawareness #healingjustice

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sapogonia

Maybe you thought you were giving yourself a gift But you left it on my doorstep By accident Or chance Or serendipity Or fate The cause is no matter. There is purpose here. Here, there is ringing clarity amidst the shadows where we are lucky enough, have worked hard enough, to see the magic and mystery behind the veil. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #nepantla #tejasbound #elverano #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising #childhoodunplugged #mentalhealthawareness #traumarecovery #ptsd

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sapogonia

Monday night laundromat sunset planning ritual while in the ritual of folding, folding, fold the soul back into the body. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #nepantla #naguala #motherhoodrising #countryqueers #radicalwomenco #mentalhealthawareness

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sapogonia

Y’all we just don’t always know when it’ll be our last day or when death will come for our loved ones. Sometimes the loss is slow and sometimes it is quick. Hold yours close. 🙏🏽💀 ❤️ . . . #presente #restinpower #yearofeternalspring

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sapogonia

Nice for what? Summer of jams, summer of sun, summer of goals, summer of dreams, summer of hustle, summer of sweat, summer of rest, summer of love, summer of liberation, summer of freedom, summer of desire, summer of stories, summer of ritual, summer of familia, summer of joy, summer of balance, summer of contradiction, summer of vulnerability, summer of balance, summer of dance, summer of beaches, summer of mountains, summer of viajes, summer of curiosity, summer of remembering, summer of writing, summer of making pictures, summer of self, coming home to self, coming home, coming home. Welcome. Reigning in the petty and keepin’ it moving. Join me. . . . #elverano #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #nepantla #niceforwhat #motherhoodrising #countryqueers #shenandoahvalley #radicalwomenco #mentalhealthawareness

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sapogonia

Started a little brujx/witchy sharing thread over on WhatsApp. DM me if you’d like an invite. Low key, no stakes, low ego, no pressure, skill and knowledge sharing space. Altars, ritual, plants, astrology, tarot, the sky is the limit with an eye towards not appropriating shit, sharing resources and learning and supporting one another in this nonsensical reality we live in right now - and no we are not politically idle or neutral. Liberation based, trauma minded magic 🌕 image from @gottesss many moons workbook . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote

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sapogonia

Started the #summersolstice weekend with the blessing of chosen family, a magical summer rain and ritual, and a deep unearthing of the foundation that remains when everything at the surface crumbles away. Feeling open to both strength and vulnerability, to both planning and spontaneity, to both goals and surprises. Cultivating fortitude amidst the deep spiritual, cultural, social, and political crises we are swimming in at this moment is imperative and not easy. As I feel joy and excitement creeping back into the crevices of my spirit for the journey ahead, I’m holding the contradiction of the call to show up for our people where and when we can. I am exploring, experimenting, and practicing balance and boundaries. I know I’m not alone in that quandary and grateful to each of you that have shared with me your own trials and tribulations the past few weeks. I believe in me and I believe in us. Solstice blessings to you all 🙏🏽 . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #coatlicue #verano #organize #movementbuilding #mentalhhealthawareness #traumaresilience #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising #countryqueers #scenesfromsunday #freeourfutures #abolishice #nomoreprisons #slowhollertarot

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sapogonia

Despite the trappings and contradictions of nationalism and this one fighting a cold, we’re ready for this match! 🇲🇽 . . . #elcenote #yearofeternalspring #copamundial #elverano #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #countryqueers #méxico #vivaméxico #eltri

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sapogonia

Back yard kiddie pool lemonade and grilling in the blistering sun season is upon us. Looking towards the solstice with every bit of pride and joy for making it to this exact moment of gratitude. I am here. I am strong. I trust myself. Words I’ve fought so damn hard to say and believe. Thank you village, thank you 🙏🏽. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elverano #elcenote #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #countryqueers #mentalhealthawareness

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sapogonia

I didn’t burn it or put it in a box. I couldn’t. I built an altar, a homage to love and all the things that it gifted me. A homage to a sacred vessel that was familia and to a place that I had come to think of as home. There is no room for bitterness here. There’s only room to grow that with which we were blessed to live, to pass it on. What an honor to have such an experience, to meet another soul in both the light and the dark, to ride the waves of this thing called life, for but a moment in time on the watch of the universe. . I place the unsent letter here: making magic, making alchemy, making life. . “Below the full moon: humid breeze, magical coves, secret scrubs… And the unicorn in the heightened wild scrubland, ready to flee, alert and tense.” . Here I meditated, prayed, held space, gave thanks this week. Is this grief? . Time, I whisper. It is everything and nothing. We crossed aeons to get to one another. And now? We let a mere ocean get in the way. . Oh, this is pain and sorrow and rage and joy and love - the thing we call heart break but that is too vast for just one word or organ. . Time, I whisper again. It is everything and nothing. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #countryqueers #maracaibo #venezuela

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sapogonia

TW: Feeling like you are dying is not the same as wanting to die. It is also not the same as dying. The brain and the body cannot always distinguish this. This is sometimes known as a panic attack. . My throat feels the pounding of blood first, it clenches, my esophagus feels crushed, this induces more panic, and before you know it I am on the floor trying to remember how to breathe. . The throat, this is where someone tried to strangle me once. This is where someone forced their way into me once. This is where words get caught like a rabbit in a trap. This is where the mother tongue gasps for air. This is where asking for what I need gets locked in fear. This is where the knots form and seed the feeling of death’s coming. It roots here and then grows with force, spreading its limbs into my brain and the roots deep into the chest, the lungs. . Trauma, written on the body. . It is a physical, mental, and spiritual experience all at once and there is no single source or trigger. “Panic symptoms are maintained bc the individual develops a fear of the attack itself which is triggered by something they know is irrational. The fear of these sensations sends the body into an emergency primitive response to avert threat. The price is being unable to detect what is truly dangerous or harmful and what is safe and nourishing.” -Bessel Van Der Kolk . I will my body and my mind to count in unison and for my lungs to expand when I say one and to contract when I say two. Over the years and with practice this gesture repeated many times keeps me from moving into a temporary full body paralysis and I am able, eventually, to realize that what is happening to my body is a distorted message from my brain. . I was 17 the first time I ever experienced this distorted message that left me frozen and 22 or 23 the next time it came with such force again that left me bedridden for days. For the last 7 or 8 years they have come and gone in waves, but rarely with the ferocity of those early events. . There have been times where I wish I wouldn’t have them at all, where I’ve watched them unfold in moments and swallow up the best parts of my life... Contd below

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sapogonia

Yesterday’s prelude to a full moon. I never get tired of this view and the magic in the sky. Never wary of throwing my questions into this wind. Keep following the wind someone once told me 4 1/2 years ago as they cleansed me in the way of their indigenous tradition. I was pregnant and maybe for the first time began to see the spirit inside of me - what it longed for, what it deserved, what it dreamed of and desired for its wholeness. That too happened on the side of a mountain - in Tennessee at another holy place. I was grateful then. I am more grateful now. Follow the wind I remember. The truth has been there all along. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #shenandoahvalley #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #countryqueers #traumarecovery

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sapogonia

I believe in redemption. I believe in hope. I believe in possibilities and imagination and liberation. I believe in kindness. I believe in forgiveness. I believe in courage and bravery. I believe in love and desire. I believe we are not what has happened to us. I believe it is possible to heal and that it is not linear and that it is fucking messy. I believe that messy is OK. I believe that we are not striving for perfection. I believe that sometimes the only way out is through. I believe that what the universe presents in endings are openings. I believe that what feels hard pushes us to be better, to do better, to be the best version of ourselves. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising #countryqueers #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #bipolar

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sapogonia

Santos and I danced in the morning drizzle. We ate plantains and pasta. We played with a new saber tooth tiger and his spider man walkie talkies despite their lack of batteries. His resilience and joy reminds me of mine. I stuck my hands in dirt for the first time in a long while. I pulled weeds like a mad person. Once they were all out, I worried about the coming rain. What now would hold the moisture? No matter. The flowers can now breathe and it is time for ground cover, for coaxing, for rebuilding soil. . In the backdrop I saw the lilies just starting to bloom. Lilies. I couldn’t help but laugh at this grand gesture of the universe, at this symbol of our love, at the dream that started it all, at this reminder of all the sweetness your love did and does hold, at the irony of blooming. . The universe is pulling at both of us, pulling us apart, pushing us together, pulling again like taffy that can never quite regain its shape, testing the waters for what kind of shape we can be together, an ancestral and amorphous one, I believe, one that is meant to change, and to change, and to change. . I realized somewhere between January and now that love has both limited capacities and abundance. In and of itself it can hold many things, but it must be both cast and received in a broad net. Love, it must be fed with gratitude, consistently, over time, across time, across space, across people. Without this it cannot survive. It must change, we must change, like the water. . You always said there was something about water. Yes, there is something about water. Can we survive its tides? Its flooding turning creeks into rivers and then into oceans of our imagination? Can we surrender to its power and know that this new shape that we take is how we survive? . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising #bipolar #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #traumarecovery

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sapogonia

Mothers Day 2018. I felt my insides crumbling apart, but I also felt safe to be vulnerable. Surely love can catch this I thought. But I unraveled the sickest parts of myself, the parts that can make no sense out of what it means to be present with the weight of both the past and future intruding their way into every thought. Love couldn’t catch what I revealed. I tried so hard to express gratitude, to signal that this was the way dis-ease manifests, that the real me was fighting to show itself, but it was too late and it didn’t matter anyway. I was a draining force of reckoning. . So here I sit at daybreak, staring at all the things in the house that must come down, pieces of love etched in notes and photos and tapestries. I don’t want to remove these symbols and signs. It makes this ending real. Will I put them in a box? Burn them? That doesn’t matter anyway either. Besides, Santos already asked what happened to the extra toothbrush in the bathroom. I had no answer. . Recovery. 1. a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength. 2. the action or process of regaining possession or control of something stolen or lost. . Can this state of being ever be normal? What does it mean to control oneself when we work so hard to not be in domination? Shouldn’t we be allowed to be weak with one another? Vulnerability was my attempt at recovery. I worked hard to let it in. I let its warmness envelope me no matter how afraid I was. My vulnerability revealed my weaknesses. I was ready to hold that but not everyone was ready to see it, touch it, hold it. Damn. . Recovery right now is trying to stay vulnerable and holding onto the people showing up right now in this instance holding all the sick parts because they trust that I can come home to another part of myself, the part they love melded with the parts they’ve learned to love because they believe in wholeness. Damn again. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #bipolar #countryqueers #traumarecovery

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sapogonia

Of course, I could not sleep. One morning this week I had the great luxury of meditating on this beach in Miami for an hour. During that time I could feel my mind trying to find the way back to itself, trying to carve out new neuro-pathways. Logic clashes with instinct. . On my trip to Venezuela I was triggered around sexual trauma. It was an innocent occurrence, but it sent me into two weeks of manic spiraling and one week of deep depression. The symptoms for me include high anxiety (including frequent attacks), compulsive sharing and rapid conversation and instigation, and the feeling of dying which really means the feeling of the weight of a car on my chest. During this part of the cycle I can “function” but people around me are often worse for the wear because my entire body and mind is oriented around survival. Meanwhile, my spirit floats around desperately trying to ground my mind and body in what it knows to be true - this is not a situation that needs surviving. These spells creep up around triggers and for most of the past year have been consuming my life and my relationships bit by bit. . I write all this down publicly, because I must and because too many of us are suffering in silence - even if we have strong support networks. Our people sometimes cannot avoid internalizing the intensity that we bring, cannot stay in with us for their own self-preservation, have not experienced nor can understand the rapid cycle of mistrusting one’s own mind. . There is a danger in lending one’s behavior entirely to outside factors - though they certainly play a role. I am clear with myself that a lifetime’s worth of unresolved trauma and survival has mostly been handled by throwing myself into movement and being a workaholic. I made a decision around this time last year to step away as I could to get a grip on what I could feel was spiraling out of control. Then, and now, I knew I would lose some pieces of my life along the way, but that what I was gaining was what I needed to focus on, even if being healthy seems impossible. . I instituted a number of practices this past year that I’ve stuck with steadily. They have helped but they have also opened up a deep...

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In this journey the people you think and desire to show up sometimes don’t. Maybe they can’t or won’t or maybe you just can’t see the ways that they are - longing for something that no one can give you but yourself. Along the way there are surprises too - salvation in the form of unsung angels who help you believe in yourself, validate your feelings of unfairness and burden, who help you see the light outside of the dark, who show you what to walk away from and what to walk towards by their very presence, who are committed to helping you emerge from the cave. Trust or faith is funny that way. It comes and it goes or at least it wavers from visibility in your periphery. This human flaw I find somewhat comforting, because it means that conditions can transform and that means there can be this thing called hope. . . . #elcenote #yearofeternalspring #countryqueers #shenandoahvalley #radicalwomenco #bipolar #mentalhealthawarenessmonth

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sapogonia

Sometimes on the way home the light hits just right, and I remember as I look over the hills that I believe in some god and that this land feels like some sort of vessel of its body. I smell the creek beds and an early hint of honeysuckle, the must of damp soil mixed with the cutting of hay. I remember to breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. The sadness expelled from my lungs is overwhelmed by this miracle. I hold on for dear life, feeling a stirring somewhere, somehow knowing that the ground beneath my feet will catch me no matter how many times I fall, no matter how isolated and abandoned my mind tricks me into thinking I am. That’s worth something. That’s worth everything really. . . . #elcenote #yearofeternalspring #countryqueers #shenandoahvalley

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sapogonia

What if you have mania? She tells you As a question You already know Two opposite poles of a compass What does it mean to live when you don’t know how to trust yourself? There goes the laundry and your job Stability? What is that? You try to build it around you in one breath You try to destroy it too Is this sickness? Is this a gift? The color of shit where do we make home? People fear us who you say? All of you Me too I fear me How do you live when you’re afraid of yourself? . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #mentalhealthawarenessmonth

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sapogonia

When @mzshaps and @redredrogue rescue a 20-30 year old t-shirt from its journey to the dump and mail it to you just in time for your travel journey that thus far has only included a few hours of sleep. Leaving the states to see my love and catch my breath. Plan on spending an inordinate amount of time disconnected from my phone, reading, writing, staring at mountains, being loved on and loving @_danielcber, taking in sun, and remembering the long lineage of #countrywomen who have my back no matter what the future holds. • • • #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #radicalwomenco #countryqueers #countrywomen #motherhoodrising #rural #venezuela #maracaibo #gratitude

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sapogonia

Mothering has been full of complaining lately. Lord knew I needed a three year old with the will power of a grown person. He gets it honest, I know. Some days all I can think about is how tired I am trying to balance keeping him safe and not squandering his free spirit. That’s the crux of it. This morning as the rain hit the roof, I was engrossed in my writing, in reflecting. I was pulled out by the scuffling of sockless feet that then crawled up into my lap. He hardly fits there anymore, and I thought to myself, for all the complaining and the exhaustion, I’m gonna miss this era of childhood and parenting when it’s over. Kids are such an image of the illusion, complication, and reality of time. • • • #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #childhoodunplugged #countryqueers

6

sapogonia

Grateful for this little mound of tierra that holds the dreams and labor and pains and visions of diasporas and generations. Happy Earth Day my loves. • • • #yearofeternalspring #earthday

0

sapogonia

How do you know if something is a distraction or a sign? Another non-hypothetical question for you. The universe remains a mysterious wonder to me which on most occasions is welcomed and in many instances confusing. • • • #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #brujaswannaknow

17

sapogonia

I find myself in the great position of luxury and fortune to be able to contemplate about what to do with the rest my life. Tell me, if fears and money and time were no obstacle, what do you think I should be when I grow up? (This is not a rhetorical question) • • • #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #countryqueers

8

sapogonia

The snow never came through the night. I’m beckoning the rain, a meditation of meditations. Filled the morning with coffee and bacon and Leonard Cohen, Dolly Parton, Cat Stevens, John Prine and Joan Baez. This week shot me back to memories of being piss ass broke and with it came this type of fear I can taste in my mouth, a soft tasting metallic sort of feeling like the inside of tin cans. There is always a danger in remembering that time also as a time where freedom meant a different thing than it does now. I’m not sure what it means in the life I lead now. I’m trying to find my way up towards being directed to making decisions not steeped in that flavor of tin, the flavor of fear, the flavor of losing everything that you’ve built in pursuit of your life force itself. It’s all a strange paradigm of capitalism where the myth of rising through the soot of poverty is a promise of riches and glory. At the risk of sounding ungrateful, of romanticizing living hand to mouth, I’ve lost my ganas somewhere along the way. On this road to reclaim it, I realize I know less and less and more and more all at the same time. Here, I’m reminded of Dorothy Allison’s ode to embodied knowledge, Two or Three Things I Know for Sure, as sometimes one of the only things we can trust. What do I know for sure? Stability isn’t worth our souls. That much I know for sure. • • • #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #dorothyallison #countryqueers

2

sapogonia

What I would really love is if this mercury retrograde would come for the patriarchy. So. Fucking. Over. It. More trees, less bullshit. I’m recommitting this spring to not bending over backwards for anybody (except my kid) who isn’t reciprocating that energy back with the full gusto it deserves. I’m recommitting to not letting strangers zap me of what feels like precious energy. No, I’m not special, but I’m recovering from years of giving it away and damnit it is finite. I read somewhere I’m supposed to envision an endless well but that must be the 2.0 of this journey that I can’t even fathom yet. Hoping this last minute, last gasp of winter snow coming tonight takes my bitterness with it when it melts. In the meantime, there’s frozen pizza and spilling my guts on paper in some maybe vain effort to learn how to trust people again. • • • #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco

1

sapogonia

No words just lots of moods and memories. • • • #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising #countryqueers

2

sapogonia

Today has been the kind of day between work and meals and very long to do lists that has included crying over these arepas I found buried in the back of my fridge. Long distance is tough when your love is such good medicine for your spirit. Missing @_danielcber and daydreaming about our next visit while I stare at spreadsheets wishing for time travel and transfiguration. • • • #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #arepas #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising

2

sapogonia

Early mornings have always been my most cherished times. I owe that to muscle memory and genetic memory. Farm workers and factory workers meditate on the light of day before it’s even arrived often. We create sacred space where we can make it, because we must. • • • #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #motherhoodrising #scalawag #countryqueers #radicalwomenco

2

sapogonia

Gonna be juggling this kid on spring break tomorrow with work 👀Toddler swag by way of @publicfigurebrand Thanks @angehill for the goods! • • • #childhoodunplugged #yearofeternalspring

8

sapogonia

Woke up in prayer. For the kids, for pacha mama, so that we may all stand in some dignity in the now and for what is to come. I saw the morning light, consecrated my blessings and saw the truth. I’ve worked hard for this place - a place where my soul can rest and where my mind and body can land after journeys of all kinds. Home sweet home. • • • #elcenote #yearofeternalspring #motherhoodrising #countryqueer #rural #radicalwomenco

2

sapogonia

Sleep deprived and miss my kid but look at this view! • • • #elcenote #yearofeternalspring #motherhoodrising #nyc #radicawomenco #countryqueers #TeamReframe18 #auburnseminary

5

sapogonia

My country ass is never happy to be waiting for this train at 1 AM. Take me back to the hills. • • • #countryqueers #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #elcenote #yearofeternalspring

11

sapogonia

Sábado things. Washing my clothes like I’m washing my soul for these new moon manifestations 🌙 • • • #elcenote #yearofeternalspring #fujiinstax #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising #newmoon #sábado #lavadora

0

sapogonia

Haven’t had a kid free Saturday in ages. Gratitude for my mama @twetwez3 who is holding down nana time, my love @_danielcber for this Zadie Smith wisdom, and @blacksheepcoffeehburg for cozy chairs and good brew. • • #elcenote #sabado #yearofeternalspring #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #sábado

0

sapogonia

Good morning Sunday. Found some chingona wisdom on hand by way of books and zines. Sometimes we have everything we need. • • • #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #limpia #radicalwomenco #childhoodunplugged #motherhoodrising

6