I'm the type of person who always worries about others, who's afraid of disappointing others, who's afraid of not being there for others. I'm the type of person who wants to achieve this dream of making my family happy and proud by pampering them because they won't do it for themselves. But due to few things, I've been unable to be there for myself for the past few months and in turn I was unable to be there for others. I have been disappointing myself and the people who loved me watched me be so mentally down that I've realised all they've ever wanted was for me to be happy. For a while no one understood what was going on with me and neither did I. For a while it was just me, my depression, my anxiety and my panic attacks. For a long time it held me back. Until the day I decided that today, I choose me. I had to learn to be kind to myself, to forgive myself, which ironically was the hardest thing I ever did. I put myself so down for not realising my dreams in time that I didn't realise to get myself out of this damage that I'm doing to myself would delay it more. I put myself down for not being the best and it took me a while to come out of it and to try again. I'm still in the process of recovering but I can say that at least I'm on the path. I had to take some time for myself and to do that I had to go socially MIA. Now the hardest thing to do is get back in touch. My friends would have wondered why I'm not picking up their calls or why I quit every form of social media. Now it's hard to think of excuses to explain that period because I can't tell them the truth because
a) They won't understand and
b) I really don't want to.
But the thing is I'm not really ready to start reconnecting, so again, today, I choose me, and the day I'm comfortable enough to reconnect, I'll just figure it out.